Dear Father,
God, I'm broken. I don't want to put the blame on anyone, not you, my past, etc. but for some reason—that just leaves only one responsible for it. Me. You know everything that I have committed in regards to pleasing myself when it was only dishonoring you. But recently, I have noticed, it's more than just dishonoring you—I am disobeying and flat out ignoring Your calling in my life by soaking in my own selfishness. Every single thing that I try to pursue on my own that isn't of you seems to crumble, and although I know that you have a purpose in that, it is hard to trust in that thought and I'm unsure of when this agonizing sting will soon become numb.
How did I get here? Actually, I know the answer to that. The better question is—why am I still here? I'm still in this same grey area in my life where there seems to be no indication of life, no sense of clarity, not even a single ounce of joy that remains present. God, I'm just tired. I'm exhausted, actually. I can't seem to grasp the concept of how people do not want to experience your love and when your name is spoken into an everyday conversation, someone seems to raise an eyebrow of judgement, ready to change the subject to something more popular in today's society. But why can't I seem to be in the midst of that crowd?
You have and show me love each and everyday, but why is that not enough for me? Why do I turn my back on you when I know it only hurts you—it is something that breaks you, saddens you, and I feel like I push you so far away that I begin not be able to hear the whisper of peace in my ear. God, why—why am I like this? I don't understand why I do not trust in your love. You have given me the Word that allows me to be reminded of your truth and your promise that You are who You say You are. I so often have took the "love" I have thought I felt here on Earth and compared it to you. You are more than this earthly love. Help me to see that, to trust in that, and help me love you more—understand 'love' itself so that I can love you, others, and myself. I am a selfish being who at times has thought that I could roam around doing as I pleased, claiming Your love when in reality, I, myself, struggle with love and understanding your love. I need Your love, not the world's love. I'm so tired of the "normal" life everyone seems to be okay with living in—and those than do not recognize the "normal" life and see nothing wrong with it, it breaks me to know that some are okay with being content. I don't want that. I have ran so far out of your reach and I can no longer do it.
There's nothing for me in the normal standard way of living. I know there is more to life than this lifestyle of feeling exhausted from my burdens that I have only caused upon myself. God, forgive me because I know my sin has nearly drowned me, but you have began to give me rest and peace in understanding that You have more to offer me than the life I have chosen for myself. I cannot stay in the same rut—God, take me away from it. Take away my regret of being perfectly content with being content. I do not want to take the bitterness of my past with me to my future. I don't want to go there again. I have seen when I am out of Your will for my life, things can be okay for a time but there is a time for everything. You have gave me chances to choose as I want and I reap with consequences of pain and brokenness that now lead to other issues like anxiety and hopelessness. God, I dug myself a hole, but you gave me the ultimate choice in choosing to do so. Now, I know that there is no where else I'd rather be than to be in your arms—the one who loves me and knows the rhythm of my heartbeat.
God, you are more than "good" to me. You have loved me from the start and you have seen my shattered and broken pieces and still love me just the same. That is something magnificently beautifully and sometimes hard to comprehend—but you love me so much and see me as worthy despite everything. God, I don't want to run from you anymore. I want to live a life worth living for. Help me to grow abundantly in Your word. I'm desperate for Your love—there is nothing that can compare. I want to be used by You. Take me away with you so I can see venues of the world like never before, let me love more like You, but first, please help me to experience your love more intimately so I can love you more so I can love others and myself the way they should be loved. My heart is Yours and always has been—forgive me please. I love you.
Amen.
