I’m not saying that I don’t depend on people every now and then, or find comfort in them. I’m not saying that doing so is weak and makes you seem like a whiny, attention-hogging child. I’m not saying that being there for someone is like you’re trying to be an unneeded crutch and you are not welcome. I’m not saying any of these things.
I am, however, saying that if you think you can call yourself my “hero”- you are wrong.
I have not been through thick and thin, battling my own inner demons during all of it, just so you think you can step in, pat me on the back, and then throw it in my face when it proves too difficult for you to handle (which doesn't sound too heroic, to begin with). I never asked that of you. I never wanted a “hero”. I wanted a confidant, a friend who could see me through until the end of the darker instances in my life until I could finally breathe again. It’s hard to do things on your own and after trying for years to do exactly that, I am done.
That doesn’t mean I’ll allow you to act like I’m a burden for expecting you to be there for me either.
I am not a victim in need of saving. I am not begging you to do what no one else can. Because I have already done it. I have already saved myself. I have already done what no one else can because no one knows me better than I do. All those nights at home alone when I tore myself to shreds in the midst of panic attacks and had to call you were not cries of help. They were my hand outstretched, waiting for someone to grab it and help me up.
I could have gotten up by myself, but it would’ve taken longer and been more painful. And, like I said, I’m done with trying to do everything by myself. It only makes things more difficult and it’s not healthy to carry around all your troubles without telling anyone.
So, yes, I depended on you in times when I needed it. I could have dragged myself back out of that dark place, but with you, it would have been so much easier. Or so I thought. Instead, it was used as an excuse to leave, an easy parting for you, no matter the cost.
“You expected me to be a hero,” you said, defensivily.
“I never expected that,” I replied, honest as you could never be. “I am my own hero.”
And it’s true.
