Hello. It’s me. I was wondering...if I could go over a few things.

I saw you the other day at a swim meet for the first time in what felt like forever. The second I saw you my heart began racing and my body tensed. I did everything I could to avoid making eye contact. I knew as soon as your gaze caught mine I would fall apart.

It wasn’t that long ago we spent almost all of our time together (I checked Instagram; it was less than 20 weeks ago). You were my very best friend. You understood me in ways that no one else could. You appreciated my little antics, like when I knock on wood when I have a bad thought or kiss my hand to the ceiling when I drive through a yellow light. You said you loved to hear me sing whatever was stuck in my head--which is how I knew you liked me because I’m a horrible singer. You saved me from a toxic relationship and an unhealthy lifestyle chasing someone that would never stop running. You helped me believe in myself. You brought me back to life.

I miss your mom. I miss being able to come over at a moment’s notice and spending hours sitting around your house. I miss the mindless arguments I had with you and your mom that reminded me of home. I miss flipping through old pictures with your family while you would disappear to work on your car and not worrying about feeling uncomfortable or out of place. I miss fighting over what to watch, even when "One Tree Hill" was always the clear winner. I miss playing pool in your basement and you lying about how much better I was getting. I miss always having you there, always having someone to fall back on. I miss having all of this with you because I know I’ll never quite get it back. It’s all just out of reach. Even if we’re friends, it will never be the same.

I know that what we had is lost because of me, because I pushed you away. You came into my life after a year of non-stop chaos and made it calm. Instead of being honest with you, I let myself grow with our relationship and ran as soon as I felt good enough to be on my own. You built confidence inside me I didn’t know was possible and I used it to my advantage. I didn’t give our break-up the same respect that you gave to our relationship. I acted selfishly when you were never less than selfless.

Maybe it was time, maybe it was space, or maybe it’s that you grew into yourself and the environment around you. Whatever it was, I felt a rush of it when I saw you the other day. I think about you all the time, about how wonderful you were to me, about what a passionate person you are. I wish I had held onto you when I had the chance.