Maybe it was that I gave you my number, which you later went to call only to find it wasn’t me on the other end. Maybe I added you back on social media only to ignore your message requests. Or maybe, I even went so far as to go out with you once and have a great time, just for you to never hear from me again. To the men I’ve ghosted, this one’s for you.
A lot of people nowadays talk about the experience of being ghosted, that is, being ignored, deleted, or disconnected from a person they thought they had a connection with. People often blame the ‘ghoster’ for being rude, insensitive, etc. Although there have been times I’ve felt bad for hurting someone’s feelings, I’ve thought a lot about whether or not the times I’ve ghosted men have been times I’ve been a bad person. And here’s what I’ve come up with….hell no.
I want to make one thing clear before I continue, I was raised to treat people with respect, and I would never intentionally hurt another person or act as if I have better things to do with my time than to treat them like a friend. However, when I meet you at a coffee shop, or at a bar, or even on campus and have a conversation with you, and you friend me on Facebook and decide to message me, I have no obligation to respond to you. Although our first encounter may have been pleasant, it does not mean that you are entitled to my time whenever you please. There are many times when I feel as if I’ve “ghosted” somebody, only to realize that they felt they had earned a place in my life based off one or two successful encounters. That’s. Not. How. It. Works.
Because social media has changed the way we date and interact with the opposite sex, people think it’s normal to be in constant communication, and get offended when that’s not what you give them. In my experiences, those who get ghosted (whether it be those that I’ve ignored or friends who have been ghosted themselves) often take it very personally. I get it, it sucks to be ignored. But when you try to assert yourself into someone’s daily life with constant messages, please don’t be offended when they bail. Also, realize that even the friendly people you encounter at the bar may be struggling with things in their lives that they’d rather deal with alone, and maybe they just aren’t ready to explain that to someone they hardly know.
So, to the men I’ve ghosted, I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt, especially the nice guys. But, I’m not sorry for controlling my own time and my own encounters. I’m not sorry for knowing that one conversation or a couple of dates does not mean you’re entitled to my time or energy. I’m not sorry for rising above the bullshit that social media dating has ensued. I am not sorry for being a human being who is allowed to be friendly without wanting romantic involvement, and who is allowed to change her mind.
