To the men in my life that I love,
Although these words are not entirely aimed at you, I hope you feel the weight all the same. I'm tired of feeling at war with the world because of my gender. I'm tired of being degraded and diminished. Above all else, I'm tired of constantly needing to fight back.
Four years ago the term feminism was nothing more than a casual lunch conversation to me. I casually quoted Virginia Woolf over a cup of yogurt and discussed why Gaga’s latest music video was innovative to the music industry. Four years ago, I was naive. I didn’t realize that feminism was more than a social statement. Now, I know better.
From the moment a little girl is born, she is submerged in a world where everything is stacked against her. Baby girls are dressed in onesies that read “not allowed to date ever” while baby boys are dressed in onesies that read “future heart breaker”. In the third grade I watched as a boy pushed a girl off the top of the jungle gym. As the teacher on duty wiped the blood off of the girl’s knees I heard, “He only plays rough because he likes you.” We’ve trained little girls to associate violence with attraction. If a boy hurts you, it must be OK because he really loves you.
In the eighth grade, a boy’s hands wandered on my body and I didn't tell him no because my friend told me I was lucky to get the attention. My sophomore year of high school, my friend was raped by her boyfriend because he believed she owed him something. The next year, I had another friend get date raped at an after prom party. She woke up with nothing on her body besides the bruises. After all, if a boy hurts you, it’s only because he really loves you.
As I've gotten older I've begun to see the institutionalized sexism everywhere. A group of guys get together and begin to rate their past sexual partners. As if a woman’s whole life can be summed up by the eight minutes you spent in bed with her. They say things like “Brunettes are wild, but I’d still go back to blondes." They make jokes about “jail bait” or cheating on their girlfriends when they leave town. Then they have the audacity to say that that it’s just “guy talk." As if that makes it OK, as if that makes the words any less meaningful. Tell me how would you feel if it was your daughter at the end of the punchline? Suddenly, it no longer seems like just “guy talk."
What men fail to understand is that these injustices towards women affect them as well. You’re upset? Get off your man period. You like to cook? Dude, that’s gay. You don’t want to drink? Don’t be such a b****. Cry in public? Man up and grow a pair. It’s funny how the worst insult a man can receive is one that implies he is feminine. And by funny, I mean not at all.
To answer the question you're probably thinking, no I don't hate men. I don't have “daddy issues." I'm close with my father, as well as my brother. I'm in a loving and committed relationship. The issue is not that I hate men, but rather that I hate the way I'm treated by men. I hate the way my fellow women are treated by men. I hate the way I clutch my pepper spray every time I go out at night. I hate hearing the excuses made for rapists. That maybe if she dressed more appropriately he wouldn’t have raped her. I hate the way I’m itching to dial 9-1-1 when I’m left alone with a strange man. I hate the way my body tenses when my male manager stands too close to me. I hate having to constantly fight back - to try and prove that what I feel is valid.
To the men in my life that I love, although these words are not entirely aimed at you, I hope you feel the weight all the same. This is a battle I can't fight on my own. Men who don’t take women seriously aren’t going to start just because we asked them to. I need you to understand the meaning of the words you say, and the way that they come across. I need you to speak up for women - For your mother, sister, daughter and girlfriend.
To the men in my life that I love, I need you to help me make a difference.
