Here's to the guy who kept me his dirty little secret.
We don't talk much anymore, aside from when you want me to be your booty call. It always goes the same; you say "I miss you. Send pics ;)" and I always refuse. You see, it's always the same thing with you and I wasn't able to see that until you were no longer mine.
I'm a lot of things. I'm angry, hurt, sad, heartbroken, happy, worried and the list goes on. But I've learned an important lesson: not everyone is as true as they claim to be and no matter how much you love someone, that doesn't guarantee that they will love you just the same. You lied to me and used me and hurt me but in the end, I still love you and I'm sure a part of me always will but I'm so incredibly happy that I now realize who you are and what you did.
I've learned to love myself because you didn't love me and in that relationship I had to justify that someone did, in fact, love me. I've learned how I should be treated and I've learned all of those things that I ignored as potential problems, were just that, problems.
If you loved me, you'd never have treated me the way you did. You wouldn't have purposefully hurt me time and time again. You wouldn't have compared me to a countless number of women in your life, including your ex-girlfriend. You wouldn't have tried to force me to change to impress you and your family. If you loved me, you'd have loved who I am...not who you expected me to become.
Most of all, I want you to know that I'm happy now. In fact, I'm so freaking happy that it's ridiculous. With you, sadness and rejection became so normal that I didn't remember what it felt like to be genuinely happy. I didn't remember what it felt like to wake up every morning and not worry about what you thought of me that day. I didn't remember what it felt like to be totally relaxed with who I am. I didn't remember what it was like to go out with friends and not worry about whether you'd freak out or be jealous or text/call me a million times, begging for me to talk to you or answer you or tell you where I am.
I can't even be sure...but maybe I've found someone who really loves me for me. Someone who wants nothing but my happiness. Someone who doesn't want any part of me to change. Someone who doesn't want to rush me into anything and completely content with giving me the time I need for things, to be comfortable again, and to open up.
So thank you for ruining me and letting me find someone who loves me and for letting me find the happiness you were intent on destroying.
