“It’s not you it’s me” was always a phrase I hated until one day I realized it really was me and not him..... I grew up around such toxic environment that I didn’t realize I myself grew up to be toxic.

I never really had anyone that actually was there for me so when the time came for me to let down my wall I was faced with a challenge. This man was great, and most definitely did everything he could to try and be my peace. He was gentle and kind, but most importantly he was patient.

I’ve always known that I am not easy to love... but he tried. I grew to care about him so much that it scared me. It scared me because of my own insecurities. I had been hurting for so long that I felt like eventually it would be too much and he would leave.

Not having anyone there for me during the times I really needed someone changed my outlook. I began falling apart and couldn’t go to him.... Not because he wouldn’t let me, but because I was so used to not having anyone there that I was unsure. I started doing everything and anything to consume my mind from that pain that eventually I pushed him away....

I was angry when he chose to let go but in fact I was angry at myself. Angry because I pushed him too far. I expected him to try and hold on as I consistently pushed him away. I kept pushing and expected him to hold on and keep fighting. All he wanted was to be there for me and I wouldn’t let him. The woman he cared about and was building a foundation with wouldn’t let him be there for her...

I’ve made many stupid decisions in my life and mistakes but this by far was the biggest one. You can’t give someone the knife to cut the rope with. Ladies ... Do not let fear push away a man who is good to you. Don’t let your past cloud your future judgment. And most of all stop being so strong and be vulnerable to your other half. Your other half is there through thick and thin.

I cannot change my previous actions all I can do is change my current actions. To the man I pushed away while I was hurting .... I am sorry.