Dear My Greatest Love,

I am so sorry for the pain I have caused you. You did not deserve any moment of suffering I brought upon you. If I could go back, I would have gotten you out faster, so you wouldn't have had to endure the pain you did. I appreciate it, however, for I know you stuck around so long because you loved me. You loved me more than I ever imagined was possible, and in a way, I am not sure I will ever be loved like that again.

You loved my strengths, you loved my flaws, and everything in between. You tried so hard to make me happy, which to an extent, you really did. But with my condition, it was impossible for you to make me happy, because I was not happy with myself. I wished so badly that I could've stopped hurting you, and stopped hurting myself, but in reality, there was no way for me to make both of us happy. I knew this deep down, but the thought of losing you was too painful to bear.

We were not perfect, but what couple really is? We had our fights, and we had our problems. I hated myself for a long time for every tear I caused you to shed, and every insecurity I took advantage of. I promise, I didn't intend to cause you the amount of pain I did. I never wanted to hurt you, it's just that I was hurting so much myself, and unfortunately you were right in my line of fire. I wish I would have realized the severity of my problems sooner, and gotten you out before the worst of it.

One of my worst fears is wondering if you will ever be able to get over what I have done to you, and trust myself enough to let someone else in.

I know you don't believe me, but I really did not mean to hurt you the way I did. I spent countless hours tossing and turning, trying to find the strength to let you go, but I couldn't. I loved you more than I loved myself, and the thought of losing you was torture.

I am sorry I was not strong enough for both of us, and I am sorry I made being with me so unbearable that eventually we both were just ghosts of our former selves. If you think I ever meant to hurt you, I hope you know me well enough to know those were never my intentions. You can hate me all you want; I deserve it.

All I ask is hopefully someday, you will remember who I really am, and forgive me.

I hope you don't remember me as the horrible person I was, but as the girl who loved absolutely everything about you. I pray that someday I can find someone who even comes close to being at least somewhat like you.

Now that you are gone, I have learned a lot of things, both good and bad. I have learned how to love myself, even all of the horrible things I have done. When you left, I was forced to deal with my problems head-on, with no one to try and save me. It took a lot of time, and a lot of tears, but I did it. I have finally forgiven myself for what I have done, not because I am over it, but because the amount of self-hatred I had was unbearable, and I needed to move on from the past to recover.

I still think about what I did to you every single day, and I will continue to think about it for the rest of my life. Now, I know how to make myself happy, and that alone has completely changed who I am. I can smile again, and laughter isn't forced. I have met or grown stronger relationships with people who I can trust, since you used to be the only person I would disclose my problems to. I have started enjoying life by going out and trying new things, and following my passions. The outlook I have on life has completely flipped around, and I am so glad I got help and discovered a side of myself I didn't know existed.

I have also learned that not many men are like you. It all starts out fun and exciting, but eventually I give up because no one else looks at me the way you did. No one else gives me butterflies when I see their car pull in my driveway. No one else's kiss can make my heart race and my knees go weak. Some of the guys have been complete idiots, but others have genuinely been good people with good intentions.

However, none of them compare to you. I have a feeling that it is going to take a long time for me to find someone who even comes close.

I want you to know how thankful I am for you. You taught me so much about myself, and you are the reason behind so many of my greatest memories. I value every moment we spent together, especially the great ones. You were my best friend for a long time, and I will never regret that. I hope you find happiness someday, because you deserve it.

You deserve to wake up every day feeling loved, and I hope you find that.

Love,

Yours Truly, Forever