It has been a year since you passed away and I must say there isn’t a day that goes by that you don’t cross my mind. Some days my mind is filled with happy memories of you, reminiscing on the wonderful person you were and the undeniable impact that you had on my life. Other days are a bit bluer, I often look back on the hard times, the times where being around you was almost unbearable because the nasty disease that is Addiction had all but consumed you and those days are undoubtedly the hardest.
Through your death, I have realized that losing a loved one to Addiction is different than losing a loved on to any other disease. There was a grieving process and the process was different for everyone. It appears, though, that there is a distinct difference when losing a loved one to Addiction, that the grieving process is two-part: I have grieved the loss caused by your addiction as well as the person I loved before addiction took over.
I can distinctly remember the day that I got the call that you passed away. I had always known that this day would come but the expectation could never prepare me for the actual event. I had watched you slowly slip away. You had become less and less of yourself. You were in pain and substance abuse was your vice. So, it was a sigh of relief when the Lord called you home for His reason. You were in pain and it came time that He relieve you of it.
It was not easy to understand why God would take a wonderful person like you away from this world but it was always quite evident that you were not cut out for this world. The person who could brighten up anyone’s day. The man that taught me how to ride a bike and how to play the guitar. It is not easy to understand Addiction and the power that it had over you. I was angry, angry at the disease and frustrated by the fact that there was absolutely nothing I could do fix it. I was angry at your addiction, it just shows how unfair life can be. It causes sisters to lose their brother, cousins to lose an uncle, and parents to lose their son…it just isn’t fair.
"I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it. But I can take care of myself by communicating my feelings and making good choices"
I am still working through things. I find myself missing you now more than ever. So, I'd like to take some time to say thank you. Thank you for being one of my favorite people in the whole wide world and for the memories that I will hold forever. I want to thank you for all of the lessons you taught me and for the lessons I learned by watching the way that you lived your life.
It’s been a year and I’ve been told time and time again that missing someone gets easier with time, but that’s a damn lie. I still look for you everywhere. I still think you’re going to suddenly appear in the places I’ve always known you to be, but you won’t. I’m convinced that this will never change because I will always remember you for the person you were before addiction took over.
The person you were when you died wasn’t who you were, I didn’t know that person very well and I honestly didn’t care to. The only person I cared to know and was blessed enough to know is the person that you truly were, that’s who I will always remember you by. I’m grateful that I didn’t see much of you towards the end because it allowed me to hold on to the person you once were, the person that you truly were before addiction took over.
This world was such a struggle for you and your addiction was your escape. U2 claims they still haven't found what they're looking for but I really hope you found what you were looking for in Heaven.
