THERE IS A WAR WAGING.

A NOVEMBER WAR. A NOVEMBWAR.

BETWEEN THE EARLY CHRISTMASSERS AND THOSE WHO ONLY WISH TO KILL THEIR SPIRIT.

THAT’S RIGHT.

I’M TALKING TO YOU, KILLERS OF EARLY CHRISTMAS JOY.

THE PEOPLE WHO SAY, “IT’S TOO EARLY!” WHEN THEY SEE A CHRISTMAS COMMERCIAL OR HEAR A CHRISTMAS CAROL IN NOVEMBER.

OR COMPLAIN WHEN THEY SEE THAT ALL OF THE HALLMARK MOVIES ON TV ARE NOW HOLIDAY THEMED.

GET. OVER. IT.

WHY MUST YOU SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF THOSE WHO ARE EXCITED FOR THE SEASON, AND SIMPLY WISH TO ENJOY IT TO THE FULLEST?

WHY DO YOU CARE IF SOME OF US ARE EXCITED FOR CHRISTMAS BEFORE THANKSGIVING. LET US BE EXCITED. WE AREN’T HURTING YOU.

YOU’RE BEING A SCROOGE. QUIT BEING A SCROOGE.

AND, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, TIS. THE. SEASON. FIGHT ME ABOUT IT.

JUST BECAUSE I GET EXCITED FOR CHRISTMAS DOES NOT MEAN THAT I AM NOT GONNA GET DOWN AND THANKFUL ON TURKEY DAY. I WILL BE STUFFING MY FACE WITH MASHED POTATOES AND SCREAMING AT THE FOOTBALL GAMES ON MY PLASMA SCREEN WITH THE BEST OF THEM.

BUT WILL YOU HEAR ME SINGING THANKSGIVING SONGS OR SEE ME EATING THANKSGIVING-THEMED CANDY BEFORE THE BIG DAY?

NO. BECAUSE THAT STUFF DOESN’T EXIST.

KNOW WHAT DOES EXIST? CANDY CANES. AND SUGAR PLUMS. AND ARIANA GRANDE’S CHRISTMAS AND CHILL.

SO, JUST TO RECAP:

REINDEER ARE WAY CUTER THAN TURKEYS.

CANDY CANES >>>>> STUFFING.

AND QUIT TRYING TO STEAL MY EARLY CHRISTMAS CHEER. OR I’LL PUT IN A WORD WITH THE BIG MAN, AND HE’LL PUT SO MUCH COAL IN YOUR STOCKING THAT IT NEARLY EQUATES WITH THE AMOUNT OF BLACK STUFF THAT COMPOSES YOUR SOUL.

JOY TO THE WORLD, FAM.

FIGHT ON, MY EARLY CHRISTMASSERS. KEEP CELEBRATING. YOUR DAY IS COMING.