First of all, you absolutely suck. You are to blame for most of the reasons why I find it hard to trust other guys or even want to be in another relationship. It’s hard to find the way out of a horrible relationship when you are in it, let alone move on when you finally get out of it. Moving on from the one guy who you thought at one point was your everything before they destroyed you, is one of the hardest things to go through. But, unfortunately, it happens far too often.
In the relationship, everything seemed to be going okay, even the lying, cheating, controlling and emotional abuse. I was always able to somehow make up an excuse for you, to make it all better. I stupidly was able to accept your weak apologies every time you did something to hurt me or allow the blame to be placed on me even when in reality I did absolutely nothing wrong. Looking back on all of that now, I realize that being with you was one of the most harmful things I have ever done to myself. You made me believe that I was nothing but weak and I thought I didn’t deserve any better, because I wasn’t good enough. Because of you, still to this day I have a wall up just because I am too afraid to let anyone else in.
You have made it incredibly hard for me to trust guys the way I used to, now. There isn’t quite another feeling like the feeling of the one person you love and trust, completely breaking your heart by cheating and lying to you not once, but multiple times. I guess you could say it is my fault for staying, but when you are so consumed with someone, it’s so hard to let go even when you have the best reason to leave them. Emotionally, I am not stable enough to give someone else that kind of trust with my heart for fear they might be just as reckless with it as you were. I know not all men are as hurtful as you, but it is hard to find enough courage to let down my barriers that you helped me build up, to give anyone a real chance to prove that wrong.
I know I am stronger than the painful words you told me in the past, but those things have never left my mind and it doesn’t take much for me to be immediately reminded of them again. You have left me with nothing shy of negativity and sadness for allowing myself to be pushed around for so long. It’s hard to know now that I in fact do deserve a good guy, because I have never experienced that for myself. In all honesty I really had no idea what a good, genuine relationship was supposed to entail.
You have made me believe that I am not good enough to have anyone better, so that thought usually crosses my mind when meeting someone new. Although you are not on my mind any longer, what you have done to me as a person is still stuck with me always. Although I have come a very far way from who I used to be, I am still not the way I used to be before you. You have changed my entire outlook on relationships, and I despise you for that.
