I never see myself writing something that's actually worth something unless every part of me comes alive when talking about it. If I can't make you feel like these three men played a significant part of my life, than the feelings that arise in me when I talk about them, simply won't matter.

You see, I gave my heart to three men, and each of those three men taught me a lesson I wasn't able to learn anywhere else. Though I was hurt many times in the process, I'll forever be eternally grateful for and to them. In the course of all three of them, I was broken and rebuilt more times than I can count, but the strength I gained in the process is one I'd never find anywhere else.

I'm okay now, and I'd like to tell you why.

To the guy that left me.

You were the hardest. For me to find any strength at all, I first had to completely lose myself. I don't know what it was about you, but you kept me alive in little ways, and when you left I lost them all. I struggled for so long figuring out how to find those pieces again, but it took me realizing that I was actually able to find those pieces without finding you-and this was my biggest, reoccurring problem originally.

You were my first love, and as naive as the words sound, I wanted you to be my last. Still to this day I don't ever regret feeling that way, and I'm not ashamed to admit that to anyone. I'll never convince my heart to ignore the feelings that make it beat just a little quicker, and I take great pride in that.

I should explain how things really went because it was me who left you. I knew that how I felt for you would either continue leaving me in a horrible mood because I hadn't heard from you all weekend, or I could cut off my oxygen earlier on so somehow I could learn to breathe again without your aid. When I told you my feelings and threatened to leave, the agreeing was the answer I needed. It was then that I saw myself in your eyes, and it didn't compare to how I looked at you through my own.

The first few months I resented myself. I just kept saying had I waited maybe your mind would have changed. I spent so long trying to recreate myself in hopes if you ever came back, maybe you'd finally look at me the way I looked at you.

But you never did.

So this new me, this recreation of a girl I now hardly new-I had to learn to love.

Someone had to, and if you weren't, I think it was time I finally got to feel that, even if it was through myself.

To the guy who left, you taught me to love myself when others wouldn't, and I think that's one of the greatest lessons I've ever learned.

And to the guy who played me?

Some may say the lesson I learned from you wasn't actually a lesson at all. I believe if you're dying to learn, there's always something to gain.

You came into my life after I was left, cold and dry. This recreation of a girl I tried to mold so perfectly fell short for some, but it seemed to have worked on you initially.

You looked at me like you craved me, and the passion through your eyes was so strong I struggled keeping eye contact. There was something so masculine about you that I wasn't sure if I was even worthy of someone like you. We continued playing this game with one another, and if I'm being honest with myself, that was half the fun for me.

The connection we had was purely sexual. You never attempted getting to know more about me, and for whatever reason (this girl that I was recreating) didn't seem to give a shit. Looking back now I feel sorry for that girl because you didn't deserve one part of her if you weren't willing to even get to know the other.

You played and used me like a toy. Until the time came when you realized you wanted something new. You tossed me to the side because the novelty of having me wore off. I was nothing more to you than a replaceable object and I think it's better I'm able to finally admit that to myself now.

In all of this, you did teach me something. I learned to not give my heart to those who don't work for it. You don't get to know me unless I feel you deserve to. Not on neither a sexual nor mental level, and I'm happy with that.

The even crazier part is, when the novelty of your new toy wore off (which I knew it would) you thought it would be okay to pick me up from the dusty shelf you left me on, and use me at your convenience again.

Jokes on you because once again, I decided to recreate myself. Not even you can touch me now.

To the man that loves me,

I've been waiting for you.

I didn't even know who I was when I met you. I spent so long reinventing this girl in hopes to avoid another heartbreak. When I finally came across you, I couldn't even attempt telling you who I was because I was so shattered and self destructive; figuring it out was half the battle for me.

You didn't push me to tell you who I was. You didn't try getting it out of me, or fighting with me until I cracked. You were patient and kind. I don't know if I've ever given you the credit for being that. It took a long time. So much so that I wondered when you too, would leave. I never expected you to stay, but I can't tell you how fulfilling it was when you finally did.

I was done trying to reinvent myself or change to get someone to love me. You took me in the broken, damaged, girl I was, and loved me regardless.

You were able to teach me that changing isn't always the answer. That the more I tried molding into someone everyone else loved, the less unique I became. I never showed my real colors to anyone until I met you, and when I finally did, and you loved me and all the colors I had to offer, well I was happier than I'd ever been.

You taught me that just because someone breaks, doesn't mean they have to stay broken.

More importantly, you taught me that I was capable of being loved without trying to adjust certain parts about me to fit another person.

There isn't a more perfect time for your life to have fit into mine, and I guess that's why I'm so appreciative for the first two men who broke my heart. You all taught me something, and you all were reasons for why I'm where I'm at today. Call me silly, but I think I owe even them a thank you.

To the boy who left,

the one that played,

and the one who stayed,

thank you.