I never thought I would ever write the words "to the guy I never met who broke my heart" Because how can someone you have never met break your heart? But here I am. I cant help but think back to the first few days we started talking. You were so sweet, and funny, you cared about my day and I loved that I could talk to you about anything. I never told you this but a few days after we started talking I got a sudden sense of dread and sorrow, not having any clue what it was from, and all I could think about was "he is going to hurt you" I remember being on the phone with my best friend and telling her about how I felt. She told me not to worry, it was just those jitters you get when you first start talking to someone. I tried to brush it off, but that feeling of dread stayed with me the entire night, eventually it went away, or so I thought...
I was just coming out of a terrible relationship, my best friend made me a hinge, I didn't even want to use it, but there you were. I didn't think anything of it at first "this will fizzle out, it always does" I said to myself. But it didn't. You were amazing but of course there was a catch. As amazing, sweet, and funny you were, you also happened to live thousands of miles away from me, vacationing in my state with your family. I was bummed. Right away you told me I should come visit you. My being bummed shortly turned into feelings of excitement that you'd even consider wanting me to come there to visit. I felt special. Soon after we were talking everyday. Those butterflies I once lost due to damage caused by my past slowly started to come back, I finally had a person who cared about me, my day, what I was doing, my dreams, my goals, anything and everything we talked and laughed about, I never told you this, but I loved making you laugh. We made plans, and talked about how things would be when I finally came there. Everyday talking to you brought me so much happiness. I have never had someone I could talk to all day everyday without missing a beat, this was all new to me. It was so refreshing and intoxicating.
The deeper I got wrapped up in you, the deeper my intuition started screaming at me. That voice telling me "he is going to hurt you" came back full force. My butterflies turned into insecurities. And your sweetness turned into lies. Did you even notice I was slowly starting to fade away? I honestly don't think you did. I started to pull back, I told myself I needed to end things now, it'll be easier that way, then I wont get my heart broken. I just couldn't let you go no matter how many pep talks I had with myself. There were so many red flags, I would always confront you about them, you convinced me it was nothing. I always let it slide, and took your word for it. I wanted to trust you. I told myself I was crazy, and that I needed to stop stressing you out. I told myself I was just hard to love and that I needed to stop being so difficult. You manipulated me into thinking I was wrong, and it worked. I took the blame and carried it with me everywhere.
I found out I was right all along. I didn't think it would hurt me as bad as it did, but it broke me. I couldn't stop thinking about how many girls there really were. Did you talk to them the way you talk to me? Did you make the same promises you made to me? Did you make the same plans? Was any part of us real. How could this happen, I thought we were perfect. I felt worthless. My imagination wouldn't stop. You sold me so many dreams I bought into. And left me with questions I would never have the answers to. I thought I knew you and I didn't. I realized what had been true all along, you were just a stranger. I came to the conclusion that I was just a filler for voids you were missing with other girls in your real life, and that's what hurts me the most. Why me? Why was I chosen for this duty? It was a job I didn't even know I got hired for. But your needs were being met, so I guess that's all that mattered.
I'm not writing this to bash you. Maybe it was me. Maybe I cared too much and you just didn't care enough. Maybe I got invested too quick. Maybe my insecurities were too much to handle, trust me, it can be a lot for me sometimes too. Maybe I just didn't meet your criteria. Or maybe, I just wasn't good enough. You were my perfect illusion. My little peice of the universe I'll never truly know. You brought out out the happiest and saddest person in me. My time with you I kept saying was a waste, but I realized if you take something and learn from it, its not. So I do have to thank you, I thought I was numb inside before you. And you made me realize I am capable of feeling. In a short amount of time you helped shaped me into the woman I am working to become. You taught me to not give so much of myself too quick to anyone ever again. To stay cautious but, not be afraid to care for someone. And to be calm in stressful situations.
To the guy I have never met, who broke my heart. You know exactly who you are. It will take me time to heal from this. Thank you for the good and bad. Thank you for being my little piece of moonlight in my once dark world. I will miss you. And never forget.