Dear Grandpa,
I’m sorry this letter was written to you so late. It’s been almost a month since your death, and I’m still at a loss for words. What do you say about someone you never really knew? How do you cry for someone who was essentially a stranger to you? How do you stand in the receiving line, stone faced and emotionless while other people are choking back tears? I’m sorry life wasn’t what you thought it would be. I’m sorry you didn’t know how to love. I’m sorry you experienced the growth-stinting circumstances that closed you off to the world; and more importantly, closed you off to your family. I’m sorry that words between you and mom were exchanged and the relationship between you two was strained. I’m sorry that our family wasn’t a family, and that you decided we weren’t as important to you as your “new” family.
I wish that I could have had a relationship with you. I wish that we could have meant something to each other and that losing you would’ve felt more like a loss. I’m sorry for being so brutally honest, but it’s about time I get these things off my chest. I wish we could’ve hung out and done stuff together, to have memories to look back on and laugh about. I wish I could join in on the conversations my friends have about their grandfathers and say, “Ha! Mine is the same way!” But you didn’t allow me that privilege. You didn’t think about how your decisions would act as consequences for the rest of us. For my grandmother, for my mother, for my brother, and I.
For a greater portion of my life, I avoided talking about your half of the family altogether. It just felt like something that was taboo and shouldn’t be discussed. I pretended like you didn’t exist and that my life wasn’t that complicated. It was hard for me to articulate what our family dynamic was, if you could even call us a family.
I don’t think that I would change anything about our history though. Things happen the way they do, for specific reasons only God knows. You weren’t a terrible man, you were a troubled one. I’m sorry you never got the love, support and help you desperately needed. You were allowed to slip between the cracks, and for that I am saddened. You had so many people around you, but none of us could help. I hope that heaven has given you a second chance, and that someday when we reconnect, our relationship can have a chance to be what it always should have been.
With love,
Your not-favorite granddaughter
