It's a weird feeling. One day you wake up and no longer feel trapped. You no longer feel the pressure. You are just completely, free. You never thought this day would come. But now that it has, you never knew how badly you wanted it to. You don't have to answer their texts the minute you wake up. And feel rushed that if you brushed your teeth first, your morning would start out with a fight. You can go through the day of work, without being asked why you're always too busy to talk. Then followed by the attitude that only you have to make up for. You no longer have to follow through with plans you'd rather replace with cuddling on your couch alone. You don't have to explain or justify. Everything is back in your control.
It's hard to see that your relationship was merely a one sided control, but now that you can see with open eyes it's different. Your outlook is different. You are no longer losing yourself, in someone that showed no effort. You no longer feel guilty about being your pure, honest self. You can breathe for the first time in a long time. And while it still hurts in some twisted way, you are relieved to be out of his toxicity. I know it's different, and different isn't always bad. I also know it can be easier to revert back to old habits. But you have been giving this blessing. I know it's confusing, feeling like you are starting from nothing again. But you're not. You're starting from experience this time. And for the first time, in a very long time you are able to find yourself again.
You have been someone else for far too long. Living in this world, that wasn't at all created by you. Going through the daily motions, knowing deep down how miserable you are. But now you are free. Now you can find that girl again. The loving, happy, one that was there way before he ever was. And sure there were plenty of happy times within those years. Not everything could have been that bad, all the time. So you try to hold on to the happy moments, to justify why you stayed around for as long as you did. Even though you knew, you weren't getting the same effort as you were putting in. You knew that while you were investing all of you in them, they still had the audacity to say they never asked you to.
But this is to you, my girl. The strong, beautiful, girl starring back in the mirror. You have no idea how amazing you are. How loved you are, even if it isn't by him. How much you inspire others, for finally standing your ground. You decided that you deserved more than what you were given, and did something about it. That is true strength. Now you are here, looking at yourself. Asking questions, you never have before. Like who am I? Who am I without this relationship? The answer is simple. You are you. Whatever you decide for that to be.
