To The Girl Who Didn't Think She Could Say "No,"
Hey girl, it's me, Megan.
I know what you're thinking.
"Wow, another article assuming what I think. Another article belittling my experience to fewer than a thousand words on a public platform."
But that's not me. That won't ever be me. Today, I'm basing this on my very personal, very real story, about how I was tricked by a boy and myself to think I didn't have the power to stand up for myself. How I felt trapped in my own emotions and choices in the circumstances. How long it took me to look it in the face and recognize what it was: abuse. Hear me out when I say that everyone's experiences differ, and this is just my own account. This is what I wish I had read at 18/19 years old when I was in the thick of it, how much I wish I would have listened to people who tried to speak up on my behalf, and how confused I was when people sided with him. So please, take what you can from my experience. Learn, grow, and heed my warnings of guys that sound similar. Alright here goes:
You're in this relationship for the right reasons. You love him with all your heart. You think he can do no wrong. Maybe it's you being naive, maybe it's just your personality to have a big heart for people. Or if you're like me, it's a mixture of both.
At first, it's everything you dreamed it could be. I mean, how can a 22-year-old love and care for an 18-year-old this much? You feel on top of the world. It's a whirlwind summer romance and you get caught up in the emotion of it. You want to do everything possible to not screw this up. On the outside, he seems perfect. Christian, involved in church and serving in ministries, even working at the church. You spend all summer with him, even though you're preparing to leave for college in Virginia soon enough. He tells you of his past, which you forgive him for completely. You don't think that it could be a foreshadowing of things to come. You're in a dream state because he says all the right words and does all the right things.
But the night before you leave for college on the other side of the country, things take a different turn. The night was supposed to be perfect. But it ended not like you had pictured. You wanted to say no more than anything. But he was your boyfriend. Are you allowed to say no, or stop? Won't he get mad? It wasn't sex, so it was okay, right? He didn't cross THAT boundary, so he wasn't going too far...nah fam. Too far is wherever you feel uncomfortable. I wish I had known that.
The fact is, he took advantage of me in more ways than one. I was young, impressionable, he made me believe that I could only be loved by him, and physical touch was the only way for him to feel loved. So even when he continually disrespected me, disrespected my family & friends, even CHEATED on me, I held fast to the idea that I was supposed to "submit" to him. Now, the twisting of biblical truth is a whole different topic, but those verses about submission apply to marriage. Not in a relationship, and never to this extreme. I became so desperate for stability that I ignored my friends' concern for me. I couldn't see how manipulated I was until I untangled myself from his web of lies, deceit, and fake love. Maybe he did really love me at one point. But I became a convenience for him. And I didn't think that I could tell him no. He would accuse me of being "radical" and the ever so popular word "crazy." Even when everyone around me knew he was cheating on me, no one told me, probably because they thought I wouldn't listen. I was stuck. But I'm not anymore.
I am free to say no. YOU are free to say no. Often Christian relationships get warped and twisted into this awful thing where the man is always dominant and the woman is always submissive to an unhealthy level. I know this wording could potentially get me into trouble but hear me out. There is a HUGE difference between a godly relationship and an abusive relationship. They cannot be one and the same. If your partner is using Scripture to abuse you, RUN. If they are constantly tearing you down or using the phrases like "You'll never find anyone who understands you like me." RUN RUN RUN.
I wish I had listened to my inner voice. I wish that I knew how worthy and loved by the Father I was. That I did not deserve to be treated like I was. But I have grown so much stronger in these two years. Therapy has been a God-sent. There is no shame in therapy, I would actually highly recommend that everyone has at least one session. But I do have days where I still struggle. Sometimes, wording or actions of others still trigger me. But I'm not who I was. I can look it in the face and say, "Screw it. I'm better than this. I'm better than you." I have support around me. He no longer has power over me.
So love, I know you're hurting. I know you're confused. I know that you're probably very angry. Run to the Father, his arms are wide open. Cling to the Spirit, and be empowered in who you are. You are strong, powerful, brave, and a person of your own right. Nobody owns you, nobody tells you what to feel or how to feel. No man (or woman) should ever make you feel smaller than yourself. You are not alone, ever.
If you or someone you know is in a potentially abusive relationship here are some resources to help:
