If you asked my friends (all three of them...), they would tell you I've had the roughest experiences with relationships. I would continue this trial and error over and over, a continuous struggle of giving and never receiving. Always delivering my all and rarely getting the love I knew I deserved. I would date to date, I would take what I had, and I wouldn't end it even if I knew I was unhappy. I don't like hurting people. I cry when someone steps on an ant, let's be real.
I never said "I love you" unless I meant it. I had "I love you," said to me numerous times. Not being cocky, just being real. I would often say "I love spending time with you too." Then it'd all go downhill from there.
I remember ninth grade. What a time. I was crying in my room, not crying like cute crying... more like that heavy grunt cry. You know what I'm talking about even if you've never participated. Something you'd hear if you've ever been to Sea World. I asked my mom why I can never find the right one and why I'm always the one getting hurt. She said, "Someone doesn't have to tell you they love you every day, their actions prove it all." She's Shakespeare, I know. From that point on I stopped searching, I opened my eyes and realized my worth was greater than the "wyd" texts I kept getting at midnight.
I'm a sophomore in college and ever since ninth grade I stopped searching for love. I discovered the most important thing is to search for yourself. For me, this meant countless trips to the beach at sunrise by myself, dancing to "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse in my room with my best friends on a Saturday night, and watching and then re-watching "Friends" knowing I deserved a Chandler.
Yes, I've been through relationship nightmares but you can't have flowers without a little rain. I was glowing with self-esteem. I knew I was creative, loving, and centered on my happiness. I found someone senior year of high school who put my heart before his own, someone who didn't care to be vulnerable/goofy in front of me, and someone who always had my best interest at mind 24-7. I am in a relationship I don't have to second guess, question, or worry about ever.
Toxicity along with no trust can kill all the goals you allow yourself to achieve. It eats you alive and it makes you work backward. You've found love for yourself now the toxicity in a relationship erases it all and puts you back at the start.
Before my roller coaster of disaster, I was left in hard times, expecting nothing but the bare minimum. Which is clearly the least fulfilling. I now wake up every day to someone who would hold my hand hospital bedside, wipe my tears as they fall from my eyes, and be there every step of the way when in a "hard time." Hard times is how you tell who sticks around and who doesn't. Friends or relationships, people disappoint. You deserve the love you keep trying to give everyone else, so start giving it to yourself.
I truly believe when you "hunt" for Mr. Right it's like going around a racetrack, laps on laps just with no finish line. There's no reward to someone who doesn't return your love.
I promise if you stop searching, love will come. If you be you, your true self only, someone will see the fire that you built and never wanna burn it out. They will be addicted to your light. If it's across a room when you catch their eye, maybe in class or even someone you've known for years who makes you feel more like you than anyone else. Never force it, trust me they feel it too and they will fall in love with the person you worked so hard to build.