Accepting that you’re in an unhealthy relationship is hard, but leaving that relationship is even harder.

I was about to be a sophomore in high school when I reconnected with an old “boyfriend” of mine. This was about to be his junior year which made it even more exciting, because not only was he older, but he was able to drive. Nothing excited me more than the thought of not needing my mom to drive me to see him. I remember giving him my number through Facebook, and we started talking every day just like we had used to, hanging out all the time, and even going on dates. Everything was great, and I was happy.

The first year of our relationship went this way. We brought happiness into each other’s lives, we went on fun dates, and we always had fun together. Not only this, but we were always there for each other. We told each other everything, we would build each other up, we always made time for each other, and we always made sure the other was happy. It was an amazing time. He made me feel things I had never felt before, and I was convinced I was I found the love of my life.

After that first year, I was a junior in high school and he was a senior. I was so excited for the future that we had planned. We had talked about packing up once I graduated high school and living happily ever after in sunny California right on the ocean. However, our relationship got rocky and “happily ever after” had turned into “happily ever never”.

Our daily conversations had turned into daily bickering, which turned into arguments, which turned into outrageous fighting. We would yell, call each other names, cuss at each other, and beat each other down until there was nothing left. I would crawl into bed and burst into tears and try to find ways to mend the heart that he had shattered to pieces, while he would go out and relieve his anger by smoking marijuana in a car full of his friends. However, I thought I was in love. I would wake up the next morning, apologize to him for being a terrible girlfriend, and then head to school with a fake smile on my face. I would ask him to meet up with me still and walk with me to class regardless of the tension that resided within our relationship. Half of the time, he would say no. I would beg and beg and beg him to just walk me to class so I wouldn’t feel so alone, and eventually he would say yes just so I would stop asking. This always resulted in him and I walking through the high school hallways in silence as tears filled my eyes and more tension grew between us. This didn’t only happen once, but about three times within a school week, sometimes four. This wasn’t healthy, but I was blinded.

The fighting never stopped but the tension grew bigger as the trust began to fade. He didn’t trust me with either of my best friends, so I went and had both of their numbers blocked so I wouldn’t lose my boyfriend. He somehow managed to log into my social media accounts and find every little reason to assume I had another boyfriend. He would send me screenshots of me having a normal conversation with a friend and try to make it bigger than it was, if I even talked to another guy in school I would accused of cheating on him. Every little thing he could find, he would yell at me about. I would always apologize and say it wouldn’t happen again, which resulted in me losing most of my friends. Every time him and I would fight, he would break up with me and I would beg and beg for him back. I would apologize and apologize until I couldn’t think of anything else to say. I had given up all my friends for him, so if I were to lose him I would have nobody. A year of this though became mentally exhausting, and I finally realized it wasn’t worth it.

One day I finally had enough; my breaking point was finally reached. I remember vividly the day we ended our relationship, and it was the best decision I had ever made. We had mutually decided to end our relationship, which was the first thing we had agreed on in a very long time. Although a hard choice to make because I thought I loved him, it was the best one. My advice to all the women out there in unhealthy relationships: it is okay to leave. It’s scary leaving a relationship, it’s scary starting over, and it’s scary finally being on your own, but I promise it’s worth it. The longer you stay in these relationships, the harder it’ll be to escape, and the worse the relationship will get. Nobody wants to see you like this. Your parents don’t, your friends don’t, your coworkers don’t. Nobody does. I heard a quote today and it goes like this, “you don’t realize how toxic someone is until you breathe in fresher air”. Fast forward two and a half years and I have the best boyfriend anyone could ask for, and I love him unconditionally. I look back on that toxic relationship and I now see what everyone else saw, and I know understand the emotional abuse I was oblivious to while in that position. Sometimes all you need is fresh start to realize the damage that toxin was doing to you.

Know your worth; you’ll be okay.