To The Friends Who Are There For Me At My Worst

There have been times in my life when I've felt I absolutely hit rock bottom. From the time I was around 12 years old, there have been episodes where I've felt entirely lost or helpless. I never wanted to depend on anyone, and even more so, I never wanted to be a burden. So I didn't talk about it, I went years without talking about it.

Until I finally met you, my friends who've taught me so much, beginning with how to be vulnerable and how to care about myself.

From talking me through toxic breakups to helping me cope with family issues, to being there for me when I was diagnosed with three mental illnesses, you've done it all and have seen me at my very worst.

You pick me up when I fall down, you encourage me to keep working, and most of all, you helped me learn how to take care of myself in a capacity I never had before. I spent so much time trying to be everything to everyone else that I lost sight of my own needs. Thankfully, you were there to keep my head on my shoulders and show me that I can't adequately help the others I care about if I don't take the time to help myself, too.

I want you to know that I cherish you and appreciate all your effort.

But I also want you to understand — sometimes, there are things you just can't help me with.

I know that there are times I'll go MIA for a while, and please, don't take it personally. I just have to get some things sorted out on my own. I just get this feeling every now again that I can't be what everyone needs me to be, so I just spend some time figuring my own stuff out.

Please don't ever believe that your efforts go unnoticed. I'm grateful for the phone calls, FaceTimes, & texts of concern. Some days, holding a conversation is just too much, too draining. I know I worry you, and I know it's probably selfish of me to just go missing for long periods without explaining myself to you, but I don't want to burden your heart with my problems.

I know you're going to tell me I don't owe anyone an explanation or that I need to worry about myself first, that's what a good friend like you would always say. But I can't help but feel like I wasn't there enough, and I'm sorry if I've ever hurt you while I was hurting.

But I'm also grateful to know that you won't be upset with me whenever I do bounce back. Through the years, you've made it clear to me that you care more about my wellbeing than about talking to me every day, and you never get angry with me whenever I need some time alone. Fortunately, I'm beginning to get over the guilt of needing time to myself, all thanks to you.

It means the world to me to have such understanding, thoughtful, and encouraging friends in my life who have genuinely cared about me for so long. You're a real lifesaver, and I want you to know that I love you like you're my own sibling.

I love you and want you in my life forever, and I hope you never forget that. Know that I'm always here for you like you've been for me, and I'll do everything I can to return the favor of all you've done to help me. I can only hope to be even half as wonderful of a friend as you are.