Dear Friend,
I know that I was absent a lot. And I mean a lot.
If I could have chosen for it to be any other way, I would've. The thing is, I was struggling. I was struggling to make an effort just to make it look like I could smile and that life was going okay. I was struggling to complete the simple tasks, like taking care of myself or even getting my homework done.
I was hurting. I never wanted to tell you over and over again that I couldn't make it out, maybe next time. Because at the time, I couldn't imagine making it out the door and enjoying myself with you and everyone else. It wasn't one of those deals where I could just fake it until I made it. My mental health was in the driver's seat and I was strapped in tight until it reached its undisclosed location, I just knew at the time that it was painful.
I needed someone. I didn't want to let you know how much I was truly suffering. How my mental illness was eating away at me and I knew that you probably really wouldn't understand what that meant. I didn't want to be pitied, but rather just not put on the backburner. It hurt to see you stop making an effort to try to talk to me or trying to include me in the little life adventures that we used to have together.
It's probably going to happen again. I wish my mental health was something that I could control or be notified when it was going to act up against my will. I. Just. Don't. Know.
I wasn't ignoring you. I know that it probably felt like this at times and that hurts me to even think about. I don't even know how to go about telling you about what happened. I could never put into words how hard it was to pick up the phone and text anyone because my mental health was consuming me. It paralyzed me and took me as it's prisoner.
I'm in my good season now. You continue to do those things that we used to do together, but with other people and it stings a little bit. But I know, deep down that if you couldn't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best. I would much rather you still be here right now and maybe one day we could mend those bridges that were torn down by my absence. But for now, I'll be waiting.
Sincerely,
Your Friend With The Mental Health Issue
