I remember when I first met you. Things were good. I didn't know anything about who you were or what you were known for, so I was immediately all about becoming close with you. I was relieved to have an automatic connection with someone and I was comforted by your presence. Everything was great.

Being new to this environment, I was terrified of what was to come. My mental health wasn't in the greatest place, I didn't know how to adjust, and I fell into a pretty dark place. You were the first person I opened up to and you gave me comfort when I needed it the most. I remember that first night, when things got pretty rough and you let me into your home so I could be safe. I cried and you held me. I talked and you listened. I panicked and you gave me a popsicle to calm me down. That night really gave me a sense of belonging and I felt like everything would be okay because I had at least one person on my side. From that point on, I began to trust you with more. I told you about my past struggles and my fears with letting people in. You said you would never be the way the others before had been, that you would support me no matter what. I thought things would stay good forever.

What I didn't know then is how much you'd take advantage of me. I was kind, caring, and giving, things you took for granted. I helped you with laundry to help keep you less stressed, so you expected me to do it all for the rest of our friendship. I helped you clean the apartment because I helped make the mess, so you knew I would continue to clean it when you faked different problems. I listened to you vent about your stressors, so you began to complain about everything from your parents to my friends. I laughed at the first joke you made at my expense, so you never stopped using me as the center of all of it. I expressed love and care like the welcome mat in front of my apartment and you scraped the dirt of your life in my face until I was nothing but fibers on the ground.

See, no one tells you to watch for abusive friends. No one warns you that the people who promise to care for you can just as easily destroy you. It's been a year and I still struggle with what happened then. I don't let people know the whole story anymore. I'd rather keep my depression to myself, lest I get told again to "just get over it." You didn't care that I was working though my issues at my own pace, you got tired of caring about me at all. Others didn't want to get to know me because they thought I would turn out to have that same toxic nature. I began to cut off certain people because you weren't okay with them being in my life, all because you knew they'd tell me what was happening. You convinced me all I was worth was the "care" you gave me.

I'm better now. I still can recall vividly the night I told you I couldn't be close with you anymore and it still hurts. You genuinely couldn't see what was wrong. You made me feel like choosing to put myself first was wrong, even when I explained how much you still meant to me. I don't regret letting you go, but I regret not being able to help you. I know there's a lot that was going on, a lot that I know you wanted to change for the better. I wish I could be a support for you on that journey, I really do. But I am only human. I can't voluntarily keep myself in a situation where my mental health is a burden and I am a joke.

To anyone else struggling with any kind of toxic friendship, remember that you deserve people who support you and build you up, not ones who pull you further down. Stand up for yourself and realize it's okay to let go of people who don't value you the way you do them.