Still I am waiting for the words to come. I do not know how to process a tragedy like this. It is one I have heard and seen others experience, but now that it has become personal and real to me, I must admit I do not know how to act.
I would love to believe that the words would just come and I would know all the right things to say to help the others and myself who loved you to deal with this. However, the only thoughts I have had of late are the typical “why’s” and “how’s,” and a whole lot of avoiding the subject altogether. I cannot avoid it any longer. The inevitable fact is that you are gone.
That you were taken too young is obvious. We cannot make sense of why these things happen this way, and we want to believe this is so unfair. We want to turn around and pretend that by looking through old pictures and not talking about things that you are still here somehow. This week, I had to be looked in the eyes and told, “This is real, Kylie.” Despite how much it hurts to hear those words, and even though this is still so hard for me to wrap my head around, there is hope because I know that this is not the end of the story.
We know, and I know you believed this as well, that God works all things out for the good of those who believe in Him. We know that nothing happens outside of His perfect plan. We know that He has promised us life by His name and that He has called us to see the purpose of our existence, our life, and our death, as being a means to glorify Him. Jenna, praise the Lord that your life and your death have been used to glorify Him.
I think back to all of the memories we had together. I remember all of the deep conversations, all of the endless bouts of laughter and your unforgettable snort, all of the pure silliness and joy we shared. I still laugh at your stubborn spirit and the way you could make me crazy with all of your sass that I could never compete with. I remember the way you captivated the hearts of everyone you met with your fearless ability to make best friends with perfect strangers and love after little children like they were your own. I look at your passion for the gospel and for all that God was doing in your life, and your heart to share any bit of the good news of Christ with others. I think about the way you told me you looked up to me when really you always inspired me to be better and stronger in my walk with Christ just by being you. Sure, we both made mistakes, but we both knew that God was there to direct us back to His path. I have been so blessed just by seeing the way Christ was moving and helping you to grow into such a wise, strong, and compassionate woman of God. Now, I cannot help but realize that all of these things are now moments left only in my memory.
As sad as that may sound—well, because it is—again the story is still not over. All of the little things I remember, and your parents remember, and your teammates and other close friends and random acquaintances remember were all things you did which testified the Lord’s great love and left such a beautiful impression. They say death is not meant to be felt by the dead, but by the living that still carry memories with them. If this is so, it is a good thing you were a wonderful testimony to the work of Christ, and that your death and life remind us of what it means to be called by Him to live according to His purpose. Your sweet and short-lived time here compels us to see the boldness with which we are called to daily live, the urgency that is necessary when sharing the gospel, and the joys of this earth that we are so blessed with that still pale in comparison with the glory that we will one day see when we meet again in Paradise. What an honor it is to even be able to speak to you and your impact on this world and in my life in these few words.
I pray that we all never cease to see God’s hand at work in all of this because I know that is what Jenna would have wanted. I must call us to ask ourselves, now that we have this life and know our time will also one day come, how does this change how we live right now? I know that even with all of my scatter-brained writing, Jenna's life can speak volumes to our need to be reminded of what the big picture of life is really all about. Because I know she also loved Romans, I leave the rest of us with this verse in Romans 8:
“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
May the love of the Savior, which you have shown, live on to multiply and never be forgotten. We love you so much, as I trust you knew. Praise on, my beloved friend and sister in Christ.
