You may have loved me at some point. Maybe you still do, but you never treated me as if you did.
Most people say the first man a little girl loves is her father, but my father ended up being the first man to break my heart.
People say a little girl learns how men should treat her by her father; I was shown the exact opposite.
I wasn't ever "daddy's little girl", I was the girl with "daddy issues".
I didn't go to any of my father-daughter dances with my father. He never coached any of my sports teams. I was lucky if I even saw him on the weekends.
When I was eight years old, it really hit me how much my relationship with my father differed from most of the girls my age. I realized they had fathers who loved and cherished them, coached their teams, showed up to their events, and always made time for them. It broke my heart.
I remember staying up late at night wondering why I wasn't enough. I did that for many years to come. I thought, maybe if I was just a better kid, he would acknowledge me. Maybe if I got better grades, or did better in sports, then I'd be enough.
Still, I wasn't enough.
Maybe, I thought, he just doesn't know how much I love him. Maybe if I love him more, he'll love me.
For about eight straight years, I loved him enough for the both of us. Then one day, I realized no matter how much I loved him, it wouldn't change who he was. He is who he is and that's that. We have had an even more strained relationship since then. It is now at the point that, at almost twenty years old, we are barely on speaking terms.
I almost never see him. But that's okay, because...
He taught me that not everyone you love will love you back, the way you deserve to be loved.
He taught me to be strong.
He taught me to love and appreciate my mom so much more, for playing the role of both parents sometimes.
He taught me to cherish the bond I share with my step-dad, because I know all too well that not all dads are like that.
He taught me what I don't want in my future husband.
He taught me that the only one I ever need to be enough for is myself.
And most of all, he taught me that he was the one who missed out on my life and that... that is entirely his fault.
So I will not shed any more tears for him, because he is the one who lost someone who loved him.
