You were my biggest insecurity. My biggest downside. You were the burning hole deep down in my heart, a hole that I was never able to fill.
On my worst days, you would scream at me "You aren't good enough for this and that's why you have failed!"
You would point your finger and ridicule me. You'd laugh at how I wasn't capable of accomplishing what the other kids could.
You'd tell me that I was a waste of your time, that you never wanted me to be born.
But the thing was, you weren't even around to actually do those things. You walked out the front door when I was a toddler and never looked back. But still, your voice has stayed inside my head ever since I was a little girl. How could someone who wasn't around, constantly be controlling my life? My happiness, my want to live?
You weren't there to see me graduate in the Top 10 of my high school class. You didn't celebrate with me when I received a full ride to college. You weren't in the stands to watch me walk across the stage to receive my Bachelor's degree. You didn't dance with me at my wedding. You haven't been my #1 fan while I have built a nationwide business from the ground up. And you won't be there to hold your granddaughter for the first time.
After all of that, I want to say thank you.
Thank you for being my biggest insecurity. Thank you for the scars on my body. Even though they weren't made with your hands, they were made with your "love."
I no longer resent you. I am proud of my life and who I am, in spite of you. I want to share my story with the world. And I thank you, for giving me that story. I know in my heart that I was chosen to walk in these shoes because I am strong enough to twist it into something amazing.
I am strong. I am happy. I have a mindset that I can accomplish literally anything that I want to. I have chosen amazing people to keep in my life. I am fighter.
Now, when you are screaming at me telling me that I'm worthless, I am screaming back at you "You're WRONG." When you tell me that everybody in my life will leave because they don't want me, I scream back "YOU'RE WRONG."
Instead of hiding in miserable fear, I look fear in the eyes and I say "NO."
That is a strength that I never would have built if you had chosen to stay. If you had chosen to stay, I would never have become who I am. I would have been worthless, like you. I would have been a low-life, like you. I would never have learned to face my fear. Instead, I would run from it. Just. Like. You.
If you had stayed, I would have become you. Instead, I have become the opposite of you. For that, I am thankful.
I kept your last name because I have watched myself fight until my knuckles were bloody just to make something of myself. I have made something of MY last name. People hear it, and they think of ME and MY empire. Not you.
If the day ever comes where I have the chance to speak to you, or tell you how I feel directly. Or see your face, hear your voice, read your handwriting. I will choose to walk away.
Because you chose to leave me, and I can finally say that I have chosen to leave you.
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