Well, I think we can finally stop pretending. Maybe everyone was right. Maybe it is too impossible to be friends with an ex.

But we were different, weren’t we? We didn’t end on bad terms, so maintaining a friendship wasn’t going to be hard with a little bit of time... right?

I really thought so, actually. I really wanted to. I wanted to so badly that in fact, I forgave you for all the pain you put me through after our relationship. You can’t deny the falling out was hard on both of us, but you made decisions and did things that affected me, and I don’t recall ever getting a genuine apology. Which, I admit, probably is what hurt the most.

But I wanted to be the bigger person, I wanted to move on from all the drama of breaking up and I wanted to be your friend. After everything you put me through, logically I don’t know why I’d want to be your friend. However, I know that ultimately it’s because for the last four years,

When I finally got over you, I was so excited to be your friend and just your friend. I was looking forward to hanging out with you and talking to you like we used to, this time without having any deeper feelings for each other. But to my disappointment, that wasn’t possible. You don’t care for me as much as I had for you, you didn’t value a friendship with me as much as I had, which caught me a little off-guard. I became your go-to self-esteem boost when you got a little bit sad with your current friends. And with your ego always getting in the way, our “friendship” wasn’t really there.

I’m sure you’d disagree with this, say that you’re just finally being a ‘real’ man and not letting anyone get in the way, but I’m not going to bother debating what qualities make up a ‘real’ man. (Hint: dishonesty and selfishness are not two of them). How I know you let your ego get in the way? Well I’m sure you’re reading this and when you’re done, you won’t talk to me about it, won’t acknowledge it, and I think I’d be a fool to expect anything more at this point.

I don’t think this will mean much to you, I wish it would, but I don’t think it will. I think you always knew how unconditionally I cared about you, and you took advantage of that. I wanted to be there for you as a friend, and you wanted me there as a temporary fix. My heart has broken twice because of you. First, when I realized our relationship wouldn’t last. Second, when I realized we were never going to be able to be normal friends and there was nothing I could do about it. And as much as I wish I could defend you here, find a reason to believe it’s more than you just simply not caring, you’ve never entertained an honest enough conversation with me for me to understand that possibility.

So I guess this is it, I’m getting up off the ground that you’ve walked all over me on countless of times, brushing myself off, and closing the hand I’ve been offering to you for so long. I’m wishing you a happy new year and accepting it’s not my job to help make it so.