After my last relationship, I was so broken that I felt unlovable. I ate my feelings, watched the number on the scale get bigger, and I couldn't get myself to care. I tried to bury myself in my work, but there's only so many people in this town looking for a house. I piled on hobbies, extracurricular activities, and even contemplated taking more classes or getting a third job just so I could forget.
I wanted to forget all the men in my life who only loved me until they got bored of me. I wanted to forget the serious cycle of depression that followed me my entire life. I wanted to forget the constant voice telling me I was not attractive or that I was not worthy. I wanted to forget all the friends that told me "there are plenty of fish in the sea, so be patient."
Most of all, I wanted to forget the people who constantly told me the cliché quote "you can't expect someone to love you if you don't love yourself." Bullshit. How was I expected to love myself after all that I had been through? That's like putting a cake in front of me each night, watching me eat it, and then telling me not to gain weight.
Then he came along.
He asked me out. And surprisingly, I said yes.
After struggling to find an outfit that still fit me and sitting in my car for 20 minutes trying to convince myself not to run away, I grudgingly walked into Bucca Di Beppo on a Wednesday night. We ordered chicken and pasta to share and we also both ordered sangria. Mine just had fruit in it but his had an upside down champagne bottle in it.
That was 2 months and 8 days ago.
Love is a scary thing. Especially when you have no example of a healthy romantic relationship. But it can be the most powerful force in this world.
Each and every time I try to find a reason to get mad at him, he makes me smile. Every time I try to find a way to prove if he's like all the rest, he sends me texts reminding me that he's here to stay.
What I've learned is brokenness and heartbreak may seem like the end, but they aren't. With every dark ending, there is always a new day. The sun always rises.
There is truth in the quote my friends kept telling me. You do have to love yourself, but loving ourselves is a life-long journey. But it begins by refusing to let the depression win. It begins with not ever believing the voices that tell you are unattractive or unworthy. We are beautiful and worthy of love and we deserve to be with someone who shows us that each and everyday.
To those that are broken now, don't give up. Don't lose hope. Love and true happiness are worth the wait. Eat your feelings, go out with friends, read Odyssey articles and cry. Do whatever you need to do to stay here. Be patient. The sun always rises.
Who knows how long he and I will last. But I know one thing for sure. He has proven to me that they're not all the same. There are still good people out there.
So when you are in your car thinking of running away, I hope you decide to go inside. Get the Chicken Saltimbocca, enjoy a glass of sangria (maybe with an upside down bottle of bubbles), and give love a chance.
And remember: the sun always rises and you deserve to be there to watch your sunrise.
