Dear You,

I used to write you letters on special occasions: your birthday, Christmas, our anniversary, Valentine's Day. Hell, I'd write you letters when I just had something to say. This is one letter I don't know if you'll ever read, but it may just be the most important one of all.

I want to start by saying I'm sorry. A year ago, we were sitting on the beach watching the waves lap the Jersey shore. Things are different now. You'll never know how much it killed me to hurt you. I never in a million years thought I would be the one to say goodbye. I'm sure you didn't either. We were 17 when we got together. We started out as a summer romance, all fireworks and sparks. Our romance survived five wonderful years worth of summers together, and then it fell apart.

Just know that despite what may have happened since we've been apart, I never did anything with the intention of hurting you. I've made choices, and maybe you didn't like some of them, but those choices were mine and mine alone. Any of the repercussions that came back to hurt you were completely unintentional. I made the decision to think for myself, and while I don't regret that, I do regret any pain I caused you. You were the last person in this world I ever wanted to hurt.

What I do want to do is thank you.

I want to thank you for coming into my life at a time when I needed you more than you could possibly ever know. Thank you for loving me while I was learning to love myself. Thank you for loving me despite my sickness, for holding me all those endless nights I cried for no reason and teaching me to breathe. Thank you for being there.

Thank you for being my best friend. For sharing secrets and talking until late in the night even though you were exhausted just because I am a night owl. Thank you for listening to my crazy stories and tangents about things I thought were cool, even though I know you didn't really care to know. Thank you for embracing my weirdness. Thank you for loving me when I made it near impossible and certainly didn't deserve it.

You were my best friend, my lover and my confidant.

Thank you for letting me go. For understanding that I would never feel at peace until I had the chance to discover myself. Thank you for holding my hand and helping me along until I was strong enough to walk on my own. Thank you for showing me I'm beautiful and worthy of love.

I can never explain to you fully how much you meant to me, how much you still mean to me. You were without a doubt my first love, and I'm convinced that we must have more than one soulmate in this world because I've never met another person who understands me like you, and I can only hope that someday I will. You treated me like gold and gave yourself so selflessly, and I'm forever thankful to have had any time with you at all.

Now I want you to promise me something.

Don't let this break you. Don't let me leaving make you cold and hardened to the world. Do your best to stay the boy I fell in love with. The goofy guy with the smile that can still melt my heart. The boy who cruised around in his Monte Carlo, blasting music after we won the homecoming game. The teenager who screamed the lyrics to our favorite song with me at our senior dinner dance. The valentine who drove two hours just to see me and bring me flowers and my favorite pizza rolls. The man with whom I fell asleep next to every night for the better part of a year and made me feel completely safe.

I know I don't have the right to ask you for anything, but I hope someday you'll look back on our five years together like I do, like they were the time of our lives. We had so many adventures together and too many beautiful moments to forget. Don't let our break-up tarnish those memories; hold them safe and just enjoy them for what they are, a beautiful time in our lives. We may not have been perfect, but damn, we were pretty great.

I know you see me differently now, but I promise that the girl you loved is still here. I hope that's how you'll remember me someday. You say you don't know me anymore, but I'm still the girl you've known practically your whole life. I'll always be the girl who wore your jersey down the hall and made you watch "Glee" with her every Tuesday night. I'm still your goofball; I've just grown up some.

I know this isn't how you saw things ending. To be honest, I never saw this coming myself. You were my whole world for so long that I never imagined a path that didn't include you. I don't know why we were brought together just to fall apart, but I do know I don't regret a thing. Every second with you was a gift, and I'm sorry it didn't turn out the way we expected it to. Just know that nothing brings me more pain than knowing I've caused you to hurt. All I want is for you to find happiness, however that may be. I may never be able to make things right, but I hope you know that I love you, and I always will.

You always told me how lucky you were to have me, but I was the lucky one.

You're stronger than you think. I know you'll be alright. I miss you more than you know. I'm always thinking of you, even when it seems like I'm not. Every time I see fireworks light up a July sky, or hear a Ryan Star song.

I'll love you forever and ever and always,

Me