When I was fifteen I had my first kiss and thought I had everything all figured out, I thought I knew what “love” was. I had no idea what love was, I hadn’t even begun to scratch the surface. When I was fifteen I experienced my first heartbreak when the boy that kissed me told me that he didn’t want a relationship, I was crushed but that wasn’t love. That was painful, but he opened my eyes to see that most people don’t find love at fifteen and I would be okay. That boy that kissed me at the dance that night became one of my best friends that I hold so close to my heart to this very day, despite the hurt I went through at that time.
When I was sixteen and a boy told me he just wanted to hook up with me, it bothered me because I was not just something to mess around with and to “hit up” when they were bored. That’s not what I wanted, I didn’t want to be labeled as the girl who jumped into bed when she had the chance. I wanted the type of relationship you would see in the movies, the happy couple who went on real dates rather than “Netflix and chill” and more than a text every four hours having a generic conversation asking how I was doing and what I was up to. I wanted someone who was going to take the time to get to know me and one day my family. The man would wasn’t going to pressure me into having sex with him because he knew I was saving it.
When I was eighteen and went away to college I downloaded tinder and quickly found that a lot of guys just wanted to hookup because trying to find someone to spend a life with at eighteen is really difficult. I would go on dates a lot of them ending in a kiss and asking if it was going to be his place or mine, I disappointed a lot of boys because it scares them when things start escalating and you tell them you don’t just want to sleep with them so they run for the hills.
When I was nineteen I met a boy who respected me. A boy who wanted to know my quirks, wanted to know what my passions were, and wanted to be able to see the light in my eyes when I talked about those things, he wanted to know everything about me. He wanted to know my parents and my grandparents and wanted to be there to see me succeed in life. That was the boy I let in. For a long time I put up a wall because I was afraid of getting hurt but I thought there was something about this one. When I met that boy I had no idea how much he was going to affect me. He made me feel like a princess, what more could I have wanted? I had the relationship I had waited for. For the first three months or so, “good morning” and “goodnight” texts every day, seeing each other and doing fun things. When he first told me he loved me I waited nearly a month to say it back because I was so afraid of saying it and losing him. As our relationship progressed I felt dependent on him telling me I was pretty or beautiful, and when I was alone I didn’t see myself the same anymore, I felt as though I was not good enough for him and he deserved somebody better.
When we hadn’t seen each other for months I knew I wasn’t happy anymore because we went from conversations all day every day to one word responses every four hours, every other day. I knew I wanted more. I fell in love with him but we grew to be different people over the course of our relationship. When we broke up I thought it was my fault, that maybe I should have tried harder or pushed harder or been better and prettier on the inside and the outside. I was so broken and alone. I still am broken, but I know now that neither of us were at fault, we just had different paths to take. Each day hurts a little less and I’m learning to love myself again which is something I haven’t been able to do in a while. To that boy, I want to thank him because if I hadn’t met him I wouldn’t have experienced how powerful love can be and I wouldn’t be where I am today striving to be better and following my dreams. I have realized there is more to life than falling out of love. I know it will all be okay, because one day I’m going to fall in love with a man who will treat me like a queen.
