To the boy I almost loved
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To the boy I almost loved

Now I will never know

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To the boy I almost loved

You were everything I had ever hoped & prayed for. After dealing with so much heartbreak and loss before you. You were my glimmer of hope when I started to give up on ever finding love. You hit me like a ton of bricks, I was instantly hooked. But you just so happened to live thousands of miles away. I didn't care, and neither did you. I spent every single day talking to you. You weren't like every other guy, you didn't send me typical "send me a pic" texts. You asked me about my day, you cared what I was doing, you always made sure to send me a good morning text. I talked to you about my struggles & you talked to me about yours. We connected on our dads, and how they were both so similar and stubborn. You always felt nothing you did was good enough in his eyes, and I felt the same about my dad. I was more comfortable talking to you than some of my best friends. You knew just the words to say to light up my darkest days. I wish I would have told you that more. You don't know how much that meant to me. I trusted you. I felt like for the first time maybe there was hope for me and my saga of a love life. Maybe this time, I found a good one. I had never met anyone like you. The only problem was, I hadn't yet met you.


Finally the time came for us to meet after nearly two months of talking everyday. I remember planning for weeks & weeks before I came to see you. Making sure every little detail was perfect. And I know you did the same. You made such an effort to make our weekend together so special and I appreciated that so much. Finally I met you, you were even better in person. That weekend with you was like a fairy tale. I couldn't stop fantasizing about the future as you held my hand through the city lights of New York. I have never been treated like such a princess before. I felt comfort knowing from that day forward, no matter what happened, nothing in this world could be that bad, because I had you.

Leaving on that cold, rainy, Monday morning was hard. I remember hugging you and never wanting to let go. You kissed me goodbye. I remember tearing up, praying you wouldn't notice or look back when you walked away. My cousin drove me to the airport and I cried my eyes out the whole way. For some reason as soon as you left, a sense of dread washed over me, I thought I was just upset about the weekend ending at least that's what I kept telling myself. But my intuition was telling me it was something more, something bad, I brushed that feeling off.


Then I came home, and you started becoming distant, I couldn't understand why. I went over every little thing I could have possibly done wrong. Was it something I said? Or did? Was work stressing you out? Family problems? I thought we were just going through some communication problems because of the distance. It was beyond anything I could have ever imagined. Finally you called me one night, and I found out my "perfect boy" had some secrets of his own. You told me you were an alcoholic, and did drugs. Nothing could have ever prepared me to hear that. You told me you couldn't give me what I deserved. But that was my choice to make not yours. I told you that over & over. You said you needed to be alone. You told me you kept this from me out of shame, and I understand why you didn't tell me, I just wish there was something more I could have done. My mother was an alcoholic & drug addict growing up and you told me that was another big reason you didn't tell me. You said you couldn't love me unless you loved yourself. I told you I wanted to be here for you, you said you wanted space.


My whole fantasy world came crashing down in that moment. I know a lot of people say they would have rather loved & lost than to have not loved at all. But sometimes I wish I could erase that perfect weekend with you. You were my perfect illusion. I will never know what could have been & I think that's been what has haunted me the most. It's like the universe gave me a taste of how good life COULD be, and then ripped it all away. And all I'm left with now is a broken heart & a ton of unanswered questions. I dream about you a lot. It hurts more every time I wake up & know my "perfect" little piece of the universe that was you isn't sending me corny good morning texts anymore. It's easy to get over the bad boys. It's the good ones that really cut deep. I haven't spoken to you in a few weeks, but I hope you're doing okay. I hope you're getting better. I want you to know I will always be here for you.


To the boy I almost loved, you know where I am.


-Aly

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