Friendships are a part of life, and going through high school is when they can be the most important.
My sophomore year of high school I had a great group of friends, and inside that friend group, there were even tighter friendships. I would spend days at a time with the friends who were my "best". I loved them. I still look back and think of how much fun I had and how much I loved my life.
But when that happens, I also start to relive the reasons why those friendships didn't work. Some ended just because of growing apart or finding new friends, but one of the friendships fallings-out was different.
I considered you to be one of my best friends, even maybe my best friend at the time. We would have so much fun together, and I'm not kidding when I say we did everything together and told each other everything. We had a great friendship, but all of a sudden a few months into it you started hurting me.
I still remember the first time you pushed me down. We were just dancing in the basement, having fun and laughing, and then with all your strength you just slammed me to the ground. You laughed. I was so shocked that I laughed too because I just didn't know what to think. I just thought you were messing around. I was considerably smaller than you and was considerably smaller than most people, so I was used to getting shoved because of not being seen. I just laughed it off and went along with it. I forgot about it immediately, and we continued on with our night.
Later that night you did it again. I remember actually being scared that time, because you laughed again, and you didn't realize that I was hurt. I had a big brush burn on my knee for a week from landing so hard on the carpet.
I still continued to be your friend. I still continued to tell you I loved you because I did. We did everything together. But I still was nervous around you. I was scared to be alone in a room with you.
A few months had passed, and I started to gain my trust back. I started to feel more comfortable in a room alone with you.
Then you pushed me again, this time drawing blood. You pushed, hard, and on the way down I hit a metal chair. This happened in front of our other friends.
After you pushed me, you immediately left the room.
And I finally started crying.
No one said anything. Everyone kind of just left. I never told the girls that you had pushed me down before, had physically hurt me before. I was the smallest, I was embarrassed, and honestly, I didn't want anyone to be mad at you.
You never apologized.
Later that night at dance, I had to wrap multiple bandages around my foot. My toe was split open. I didn't want anyone to know that I was hurt.
When I got home I didn't tell my mom. I just cleaned out my cut and kept it bandaged. For the rest of the week, I tended to it, constantly cleaning it and bandaging it enough to be able to dance on it without anyone knowing.
I started distancing myself. I distanced myself so far that I lost other friendships because of it. I was scared that one day maybe you'd punch me. I was scared that one day after you had pushed me down on the ground you would start pulling my hair. You scared me. You made me feel small, even smaller than I already was.
I'm not sure if you know who you are, simply because I don't know if you would ever admit to yourself that you physically hurt me on multiple occasions. I was fifteen years old and am now 22 and only now can even admit it to myself that one of my best friends would push me to the ground and make me bleed- and I let her.
I'm not writing this to be victimized. I know you had things going on in your life. And I know that you only hurt me because you had things going on that you couldn't express. I understand that.
And I forgive you. I am not angry with you. I'll never tell people your name when explaining this because you don't deserve that.
This article started as a way to just sort out my thoughts, as most of them do, but it's time I admitted to myself that I had a friend hurt me for reasons I may never know. I deserve to be able to come to terms with it.
I had a best friend physically hurt me repeatedly. And I never told anyone, until now.
Abusive relationships do not just have to be romantic. Friends can hurt you too. And just because they are your friend, does not mean it's okay. I didn't realize when I was a teenager that this was abusive. I just shut up and dealt with it, because I had never heard of anyone else in a physically abusive friendship. More importantly, I didn't want to upset anyone.
If you are being hurt by someone you love, you don't deserve it and it is not your fault. Whenever someone makes you feel anything less than loved you are allowed to walk away. You should never feel unsafe in any relationship, period.
If you or someone you know may be struggling with physical abuse, here are some resources:
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