To the best friend I never expected,

Throughout my life, having friends was never a problem. Every year, from the time I was a child until my early 20s I always had a big birthday party with a bunch of friends. I have thousands and thousands of pictures with friends from school, camp, parties, and concerts. The people I had in my life were never the problem. I was.

Growing up in a small town, everyone already pretty much knows everyone. Add being one of the only kids in your school district that’s in a wheelchair… I felt like I always had a magnifying glass on me. I was seen as “inspirational” for doing things that are “normal” for many kids. I was never anywhere without an adult, so I never got to really be a teenager. Most houses aren’t wheelchair accessible, so I never went to other people’s houses. I was never invited to hang out or go to parties. I saw my friends in school and that was about it, but even there I had an adult with me the whole time as an aid. Even with all this blocking my “normal” teenage behavior though, what really hindered me wasn’t my physical disability. What stopped me from really making and keeping friends was my inability to open up.

I mentioned feeling as if I were under a magnifying glass. I was already in a wheelchair, I didn’t want any more excuses for people to judge me. So, I became this shell of a person. I was completely terrified of opening up and being myself. I was awkward and had poor social skills. Okay, that part hasn’t changed; I’m still awkward. I’m not afraid of it anymore though. For so long I hid myself away. By the end of high school, I was depressed and lonely from pushing people away. I decided that when I went away to college I would reinvent myself. I would open up and have fun, especially since I would finally be on my own. And that’s exactly what I did: I had fun.

As you know, I’m not really a party person. I like to go out and have fun, but I had just as much fun ordering pizza and chilling in the study lounge with our group of friends. You moved in down the hall during our sophomore year at Ball State. I didn’t think much of it, honestly. I had my group of friends and thought I was set. You somehow worked your way into our friend group, and to this day I’m still not sure how exactly that happened. I just remember not really knowing you one day and hanging out with you the next like we’d always known each other. That’s what our friendship felt like, like I had known you my whole life. As stated before, it’s hard for me to open up to people and really get close to someone, but it wasn’t so difficult with you.

I remember the first time we really hung out. We were going to the fall festival out on campus. I wasn’t going to go because I didn’t have a jacket on and I didn’t want to ask someone for help. I had never asked a friend to help me with something like that. You insisted on helping me though, refusing to take no for an answer, so I let you. You put my sweatshirt on me and then we left and had fun. It was a simple thing that to most sounds like no big deal, but to me it was. I had never let someone into my life like that. It was this moment that I knew you weren’t going to be just a normal friend.

Throughout the rest of the year we grew closer. We were practically inseparable. I had become so comfortable with you; it was unlike any friendship I had ever had. When the year ended I was depressed because you were moving out and the following year you were living off campus. I thought that was the end of us. I figured once you were gone you wouldn’t come around as often and we’d drift apart. That was definitely not the case. I think I saw you more after you moved out than when you live 30 feet away! We were so inseparable that within a few months of that next school year, we were fighting like an old married couple.

But you were there for me. You were always there. Through the darkest depression, to the happiest celebrations, you were there. You helped me find myself, but more importantly you helped me love myself. You showed me that there’s nothing wrong with me. I shared my life, my secrets, the good and the bad, and you never blinked an eye.

Here we are, seven years later. Seven years… that doesn’t sound like a lot, but it feels like a lifetime. Though I haven’t seen you in like two years now, we’re still friends. It broke my heart when you got a job three states away. However sad I am, I’m just as happy for you though. You are still my best friend. You’re the first person I want to text when something really great happens, and you’re the first person I reach out to when I start feeling really depressed again. Seven years and hundreds of miles apart. And I thought you moving off campus was going to be hard!

Thank you for everything, Cait <3