I’m twenty years old and yet I can’t remember the last time you told me you loved me.

I wish you knew how much I care when I shouldn’t. I hate the fact that you choose everything over your children. I want to say so much but I am going to refrain from the most of it because no matter what you are still my parent.

I try not to live my life with regrets but it is hard when I see Instagram pictures of kids with certain parents and I know we will never have that relationship. Certain holidays are hard because you have ruined it.

Driving me away started when I was young. It was always complicated. Computer games and TV shows were the start of all. Then came the fighting and the screaming that continued shortly after.

When I was growing up, I thought maybe it would get better. I would trust you for a bit. It would go great. I would be like, “Oh things are finally getting better.” Then it would be something. Something normally huge that would stab me in the back and then we were back at square one.

“Oh. I’m sorry. I know I messed up.”

Words I hear on a regular basis that every single time I fall for it.

I hope and pray that things are going to change. I know for a fact that they aren’t going to change. You are never going to be the person that all of us want you to be no matter how much we love you and try.

I know walking away from any relationship I have from you now will only better me for the future. I have grown up so much in the last month and you were barley here. You didn’t care I got my heart broken and find myself back together. You hid from all the drama because only you matter.

Why does that have to happen? Why can’t we matter to you? You say all these things and turn around and say something else or do something that you know isn’t smart.

I love you because you are my parent. I burn for that relationship like any child does but I won’t ever get that and it took me forever to finally come to terms with it.

You won’t be there when I have children and maybe even get married. You won’t see me at the best moments of my life. I want to say I am sorry but I’m not.

I can’t live this life anymore where I am waiting for a change that is never going to happen. I finally have to put myself first. I have finally learned to do that.

Someday maybe we can have a relationship only if you change. I can’t force that change on you. Nobody can. You can change if you want to. I want change. I know everybody else wants that change too.

Maybe someday we can have a normal parent/child relationship but until that day.