My mom has had four miscarriages. Two before my sister and two after. My brother and sister are "rainbow babies," children that come after a miscarriage. I, on the other hand, was almost a miscarriage. My mom started bleeding while pregnant with me and her hormones were doing the opposite of what they should have. I'm very lucky that the doctors/nurses decided to check for my heartbeat before going in for a D&C (dilation and curettage). Had they not checked for my heartbeat, I don't think I'd be here today. I just wish my siblings had the same chance at life that I was given.
To my siblings who didn't make it,
I wonder what you all would be like. Would you have your father's nose and our mother's pale complexion? Would you be 5'2" like my sister or would you be average height, like me and my brother? Would you be doctors and lawyers or would you be artists and musicians? I couldn't count on two hands the number of times that I've wondered these things. I don't think I would be here had y'all survived, but if there was some world where all seven of us lived, I like to imagine that we all got along. I don't think my parents would have met and got married, but it would've been okay because our mother wouldn't have had to carry around the heartbreak she has felt for 20-something years from losing you guys. She would enjoy Thanksgiving and maybe she would have had grandkids running around the house by now.
It breaks my heart knowing that you all didn't make it. Who knows if you could've saved the world? All I know is that life is precious and I shouldn't take advantage of it. I have four special guardian angels watching over me. When I was younger, I used to joke that you all were my brother and I trying to come into the world too soon. I wish that was the truth and there wasn't so much pain and hurt surrounding the memories of you all. You guys should know that you are loved by so many people. If there is an afterlife, I hope I can find you guys there. I wish there was some way to know that y'all are there, watching us all. I would have loved to have four more siblings. Not only for my mother's sake but because it would be wonderful to have four more people to cheer me on at football games and four more birthdays to celebrate. There would be nine table settings at Thanksgiving and four more people to Christmas shop for.
What I've learned from hearing about losing you is that my mother is inspiringly brave and strong. I wish I had even half of her strength. Miscarriages are as scary as they are depressing. But, without the frightening loss and heartbreak, we wouldn't truly enjoy the life we are blessed with. So, to my siblings up in heaven, thank you. Thank you for giving me an outlook on life that most people may not get. Thank you for watching us all and giving our mother the joy she had when she first got pregnant with you all. Thank you for helping me realize that I am fortunate to be here and that life is fragile and ever-changing. Thank you for giving me a mother that loves so deeply because she has experienced so much hurt. I love you all and I hope to one day meet you.
