Just a few months ago, I moved into a new office building. If there was one thing I was most excited about, it was the proximity of my office chair to the bathroom door. They are quite literally right next to one another. Like, who really enjoys walking through the office in a desperate dash to the restroom? Not I.

It wasn’t long before I ran into you in the bathroom. You were scrubbing your hands with the world’s most-drying hand soap (my poor knuckles..) You were practically shouting on your phone to your husband (maybe? For the sake of the story, I wish I could be sure…) about your son and his pregnant girlfriend (or wife…?)

Although I’ve never actually spoken to you in person, in the two minutes I first ran into you in the bathroom, I learned a whole lot about your personal life. For example, I know that you doubt the legitimacy of your son’s girlfriend’s (or whoever she is..) pregnancy. You were astoundingly vocal about this, and I could practically feel myself getting swept up in your family drama from just a single stall over.

Thanks to you, and your doubts regarding your future grandchild, I know EXACTLY what kind of birth control to avoid. You were quite vocal, and it seriously could have been a radio broadcasted public service announcement. While you ruined my peaceful bathroom break, I do thank you for the life tip, though. It is appreciated.

I’ve heard you for a while now, every day around 11:15, to be exact. I never plan to run into you, but, you know, nature calls, and we appear to be on the same schedule. Your shameless bathroom conversations make me question why on earth anyone would have a private and personal conversation in the middle of a public restroom? Like seriously. Let a girl pee in peace.

Now, I’m not one to completely disapprove of phone usage in the bathroom. Hell, I’ve been known to scroll Instagram from time to time, and I may even send a text here and there. Who hasn’t? But I am definitely one to disapprove of having full on phone conversations while doing your business.

Just the other day, I sauntered into the restroom and was immediately greeted with your shrill voice discussing the issue of snow removal at one of your rental properties. I had expected to see you positioned at the sink, washing your hands just as slowly as always. However, this time, you were locked away in a stall talking to your hired hand. I slid into the other stall, determined to beat you out of the bathroom, because I didn’t really want to make small talk in a bathroom (however, according to your phone conversations, you are all about that bathroom small talk…)

The conversation continued a few moments, and despite my best efforts, I was distracted by your conversation and unable to finish in a timely manner. The conversation topic turned from snow removal to the “paid hours of an employee.” And that's when it hit me: THIS WAS A BUSINESS CALL. This woman was literally going to the bathroom while talking to a business associate. Now, I get it. I really do. I’m not shaming this woman for using the restroom. Duty calls. Everybody pees. Everybody poops. Yadda, yadda. But I cannot think of a single instance where it would be appropriate to talk to a fellow employee (or boss, because who really knows who was on the other line..) while going to the bathroom. This employee could literally hear everything.

But then it got worse. The woman finished her bathroom business and continued on with the conversation, AND THEN FLUSHED. You cannot possibly tell me that the individual on the other end of this phone call didn’t hear that. And while that may be acceptable when speaking to your husband, son, or daughter, I find it very unlikely that it’s appropriate in an office building. Even if it IS appropriate to talk to your fellow employees while on the can, should you really subject the poor woman in the stall next door to a never-ending drama about your life? I think not. It’s time to free the pee.