So here it goes, the time I finally pour my heart out to you...
It all started on Christmas break when I texted you that I had feelings for a guy and wanted your advice to handle it. I had always felt like I was able to tell you anything and everything. However, this was not something I felt I should tell you due to the outcome it may come out to. I would never want to freak you out or break our friendship in anyway. So this was unfortunately something I had to keep to myself. You gave me a different kind of feeling when we were together, like comfort and understanding. The more I spent time with you and got to know you, I couldn't help but fall for you and your personality. I tried so hard not to fall for another best friend and I just wanted a buy best friend but the feeling just kept on growing. You constantly hear that saying of guys and girls can't be best friends without feelings getting involved. I have a guy best friend who has a girlfriend so I don't particularly agree with that statement. But me falling for you... It wasn't something I could stop.
I didn't really love a best friend before and for me the queen of feelings that's not normal for me. I usually know when I like someone and never have I started to love a guy I wasn't with. I didn't know I did until you pointed it out when I wrote you that letter. I couldn't look at you after knowing you saw and read every word, I was so embarrassed. I felt like I had lost a best friend and that you would never speak or look at me again. But I had never felt like that towards a friend before so I didn't know what to do. I mean you were one of the most amazing guy friends I have ever had and I never ever wanted to lose that.
The day I was crushed is when you texted me saying you needed to tell me something. A million things were running through my mind and one of them was just hoping you wanted to tell me you loved me too. I was so nervous but also wishing that I would hear you say you felt the same way. But boy was I wrong... I was crushed by the truth that you fell for my best friend, I thought we had so much in common that you would feel the same way I did. I thought that since I got and understood you so well that I would be the one you wanted. But of course I had to keep my head up and a smile on my face, I had to act like I didn't just get completely crushed. You wanted me to try and help you win her and I couldn't deny that. Since I did love you I couldn't think of myself, I only wanted you happy and if you were happy with her then that's all that mattered.
That's not the only worse part either, it was how you said you thought I would make you sad we were together. Because I was outgoing, talkative person that I would make you sad. I hated hearing that you only saw me as a friend while I could only see you as anything but. I tried to think of all the ways we wouldn't work out, but honestly, I couldn't. Al I could think about was how right it would feel to be with someone like you... or just you. You were everything I wanted and needed in a guy, you were perfect and I just wanted you to think the same way about me. I tried to convince myself that maybe someone better is out there for me, but I couldn't. I literally couldn't think of any reason why I wouldn't want to be with you. My feelings only grew stronger and yours only grew stronger for her. I didn't know what to do anymore, other than just give up. You loved her, and I loved you but I couldn't change that.
Nothing upset me more than sitting with my best friend and hear about how much love you gave her and how she didn't like any of it. All I wanted was to be in her shoes and have this perfect wonderful man give me that much love and attention you gave her. I wanted to be that girl you tried to win over, I wanted to be the girl you secretly loved and wanted. But all I could do was keep it all to myself, you wouldn't care that I was the girl falling for you. You were too busy falling for her and I had to be the best friend who helped and supported you.
