To My Angel In Heaven

To My Angel In Heaven

You never know when a word spoken can be the last.

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Where do I start? I feel that there are not enough words that I can write to honestly describe all of the emotions that consume me regularly knowing that you are gone. There are so many things that I wish I could say to you, so many calls I wish I could have made, so many moments I look back at and wonder if you are somewhere off in a distant place watching over me with pride.

The way that you left this world was too abrupt. I was not given the proper time to tell you everything that I wanted to say to you. I wish I could look you in the eyes and tell you how much you truly mean to me, how much I needed you in my life, and how much of an impact you have had on me. I look back at our times spent together knowing that I could have done so much more to be better - to do better, to be better to you and for you.

There are many conversations that I want to take back. How I wish I could rewind time and take the cruel insults I slurred at you in anger back and swallow them whole. I feel like a beast for speaking to you so cruelly. I wish I had known then what I know now. You never know when a word was spoken can be the last.

I wonder so much if you are angry at me. I wonder so often if you are at peace. I wonder so often if you are looking down at me, missing me, cheering me on, and loving me from afar.

There are so many times within a day when I see your face. There are moments where I feel your energy invade my world. When the sun is shining down on my face and the warm hugs my body like an embrace, I often wonder if that is you saying hello. When the spring flowers begin to bloom and the air smells like crisp cut grass and the birds are chirping loudly, I wonder if this is you saying that you care.

I look back at life with regret sometimes knowing that I could have changed so many things if I had only paid more attention to what truly mattered. But I know that it would not make me who I am today if I had changed my past. I know that the trials we had gone through were there for a reason and while I regret many things that have slipped away, I know inside that you loved me all the same.

There is never a day that goes by that I do not wish you were here. There are moments I know you would cherish, enjoy, thrive through, and love. There are memories I wish you were here to be a part of. Stories that I wish you could hear. Songs I wish you could sing. Experiences I wish you could have.

While you are no longer here living with me, I know wherever you are, you are shining bright laughing and smiling for me.

My angel in heaven, wherever you may be right now, please know that you are missed.

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To The Dad Who Didn't Want Me, It's Mutual Now

Thank you for leaving me because I am happy.
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Thank you, for leaving me.

Thank you, for leaving me when I was little.

Thank you, for not putting me through the pain of watching you leave.

Thank you, for leaving me with the best mother a daughter could ask for.

I no longer resent you. I no longer feel anger towards you. I wondered for so long who I was. I thought that because I didn't know half of my blood that I was somehow missing something. I thought that who you were defined me. I was wrong. I am my own person. I am strong and capable and you have nothing to do with that. So thank you for leaving me.

In my most vulnerable of times, I struggled with the fact that you didn't want me. You could have watched me grow into the person that I have become, but you didn't. You had a choice to be in my life. I thought that the fact that my own father didn't want me spoke to my own worth. I was wrong. I am so worthy. I am deserving, and you have nothing to do with that. So thank you for leaving me.

You have missed so much. From my first dance to my first day of college, and you'll continue to miss everything. You won't see me graduate, you won't walk me down the aisle, and you won't get to see me follow my dreams. You'll never get that back, but I don't care anymore. What I have been through, and the struggles that I have faced have brought me to where I am today, and I can't complain. I go to a beautiful school, I have the best of friends, I have an amazing family, and that's all I really need.

Whoever you are, I hope you read this. I hope you understand that you have missed out on one of the best opportunities in your life. I could've been your daughter. I could have been your little girl. Now I am neither, nor will I ever be.

So thank you for leaving me because I am happy. I understand my self-worth, and I understand that you don't define me. You have made me stronger. You have helped make me who I am without even knowing it.

So, thank you for leaving me.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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Why I Appreciate My Parents So Much

This is for my two biggest supporters.

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One thing I've noticed, the older I've gotten, is how much I appreciate my parents.

We've become so close, it's almost funny to think at one point I looked at them so much differently. When I was younger, my parents were much more strict than they are now. They disciplined differently and didn't let me do certain things. The older I've gotten, the more freedom I've gotten, which is one big sigh of relief.

My parents are such great people. Throughout my whole life, I've always had friends of parents or people who know my parents tell me how great they both are. I'm so blessed to have been raised by them and to have gotten their characteristics.

My mom is so loving and generous, and she thinks of literally everyone else in her life before herself. She's smart and funny, and she is always there when I need someone to talk to. She's taught me how to be courteous, kind, funny (with her sense of humor), and most importantly, accepting towards others.

The older I get, the more I realize how similar I am to her. She's my favorite woman in the whole world. We understand each other.

My dad is a thoughtful, hilarious, wise, and helpful guy who has taught me so many lessons throughout the years. He always makes sure my finances are in order, even more than I do. He keeps me laughing with his funny stories and made-up songs that he sings. He always asks me how my day was every time I walk through the door. He is so adorable and thoughtful, and I'm so happy I got his wit and humor.

His smile lights up a room and I'm so happy I've been hearing his laugh and will continue to for the rest of my life.

Another great thing about my parents is that they've taught me what love looks like. They're so loving, kind, and patient towards each other. I've rarely ever seen them fight in my life. They still treat one another how they did when they first started dating. I have friends and know people whose parents aren't together, and I'm so lucky to say I can't imagine what that's like.

My parents complete each other; they are soulmates. I'm so lucky and appreciative that I get to have the honor of watching their love play out throughout their lives.

I'm so happy and thankful that these are the parents I ended up with. They're the best. I hope to be half of my parents when I become a parent myself.

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