Where do I start? I feel that there are not enough words that I can write to honestly describe all of the emotions that consume me regularly knowing that you are gone. There are so many things that I wish I could say to you, so many calls I wish I could have made, so many moments I look back at and wonder if you are somewhere off in a distant place watching over me with pride.
The way that you left this world was too abrupt. I was not given the proper time to tell you everything that I wanted to say to you. I wish I could look you in the eyes and tell you how much you truly mean to me, how much I needed you in my life, and how much of an impact you have had on me. I look back at our times spent together knowing that I could have done so much more to be better - to do better, to be better to you and for you.
There are many conversations that I want to take back. How I wish I could rewind time and take the cruel insults I slurred at you in anger back and swallow them whole. I feel like a beast for speaking to you so cruelly. I wish I had known then what I know now. You never know when a word was spoken can be the last.
I wonder so much if you are angry at me. I wonder so often if you are at peace. I wonder so often if you are looking down at me, missing me, cheering me on, and loving me from afar.
There are so many times within a day when I see your face. There are moments where I feel your energy invade my world. When the sun is shining down on my face and the warm hugs my body like an embrace, I often wonder if that is you saying hello. When the spring flowers begin to bloom and the air smells like crisp cut grass and the birds are chirping loudly, I wonder if this is you saying that you care.
I look back at life with regret sometimes knowing that I could have changed so many things if I had only paid more attention to what truly mattered. But I know that it would not make me who I am today if I had changed my past. I know that the trials we had gone through were there for a reason and while I regret many things that have slipped away, I know inside that you loved me all the same.
There is never a day that goes by that I do not wish you were here. There are moments I know you would cherish, enjoy, thrive through, and love. There are memories I wish you were here to be a part of. Stories that I wish you could hear. Songs I wish you could sing. Experiences I wish you could have.
While you are no longer here living with me, I know wherever you are, you are shining bright laughing and smiling for me.
My angel in heaven, wherever you may be right now, please know that you are missed.
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