I know there is a chance you will never see and read this but that is okay. I am not doing this for you, I am doing this for me because it is the time I finally let everything out and in the open so I can officially move on with my life. There was a time where I wanted you to be apart of my life, where I would have done anything to be able to spend at least a few hours with you, but that was when I was little. When I didn't know better.
You were around a lot when I was younger. We would spend weekends together, doing anything I wanted to do. You never told me the word - no - and though at the time I didn't realize it, you tried to buy my love, and for awhile it worked. Whether it was a 150 dollar jacket so I could be like Bella from Twilight or a four-wheeler that I could use when I came over to your house, you always got me what I wanted. Which was a reason as to why I loved spending time with you because I wanted to be "daddy's little princess." However, over time, some of the things you got me started to disappear or had to be taken back and whenever I would ask why, instead of telling me the truth, you lied.
Though at the end of the day the materialistic things didn't matter to me, I just wanted to spend time with my dad. To do all the things I heard my friend's do with their dad. Then the day when you told me you were having another kid, and I honestly didn't know what to think because you rarely saw me as it is. So I wondered what would happen when the baby came. Would you stop seeing me altogether?
Soon after, there came the empty promises, the plans that we made that you never followed through with, sometimes if I was lucky, I would get some poor excuse; but that was on rare occasions for times you wouldn't even give me that. I would get so jealous of my friends who had their real dad in their lives. It hurt me. It changed things in me. I wanted you to come to my concerts, award ceremonies and birthdays.
I wanted to be able to look out into the crowd and see your face there.
But most of the time I never did. Every time you would disappoint me I would cry to my mom asking why wasn't I good enough and I would tell myself that it would be the last time because I hated getting my hopes up.Though I wanted you to be there so much and in my life, I would let you worm your way back in. With the outcome always the same.
The last time I actually spent time with you was my eighth grade year, that was about nine years ago. You took me school shopping and then you completely ghosted me. You had two more kids over the years and at first, you were to them what I had always hoped you would be to me; a father.
You showed them love and spent time with them while I was at home wondering what was wrong with me. I strived to make good grades like you always told me to, I never settled for anything like you made me promise, I read books instead of doing what normal girls my age did and many other things that I tried to do right in hopes that you would notice or hear from family and come back to spend time with me.
When I finally reached high school I realized that I should just stop wasting my time on you. So deep in my heart, I locked all my sadness, disappointment, and love I had for you away. In its place, was nothing but hatred. I referred to you as my sperm donor and even stopped talking to some of my family who would always make up excuses for you. I hated that you were a poor excuse of a father, that no matter what I did right, you wouldn't come around but found ways to put the blame on me as if it were my fault.
In a way, I had a small resentment to my siblings that you had because you spent time with them and I only hoped and prayed that you wouldn't do to them like you did to me. Sadly, you did and they were only babies.
Years passed, I graduated high school and you didn't get an invite. Why, may you ask? Because I felt as if you didn't deserve to celebrate my success since you had no part in it. Then I went off to college and went on with my life but still every time you somehow managed to come up in conversation I would avoid it or get angry. My sophomore year of college, my pawpaw passed and I knew I was going to see you.
At the funeral we spoke for a while, shed some tears and got things off our chest. You promised that you would come around more and so I believed you, although I told myself if you failed yet again, that this would be the last time I let this happen. As I had expected, you let me down for the last time.
Months later I ran into you at the store, and you looked right at me, more like through me as if I was a stranger, got into your car and drove off. I stood there in shock. How could you just act as if I was just another random person crossing your path? I was your daughter for crying out loud. It took everything for me to not cry, and I didn't.
I remained strong.
But I am not writing this letter to bash you or say how crappy of a father figure you had been. No, I'm writing this to say that I forgive you. I no longer resent you and hate you. I just needed to get all of that off my chest after so long. I'm almost 22 years old now and making changes in my life. I do not have time to waste nor the room in my heart and energy to spend on hating you.
Because God used this experience to make me a stronger person. To set examples in my life for the future. He also brought someone to help fill the void. My stepdad has done a lot for me since I was 7 years old. Though he and I fight or disagree more often than not, he was more of a father to me and for that I am thankful.
I have learned that this was a blessing in disguise and a lesson learned. Though I haven't spoken or seen you in almost 2 years, I pray that one day you will find peace within yourself. I pray that my other 3 siblings who we share you as our father, will either be better off without you or that you wake up and realize that you need to be there for them.
Though, I will always wonder what life would have been like if you had stuck by your promises and had been the man, the father that I knew I deserved. I know deep down I will always have a love for you because in some ways I am a lot like you. Whether it be physical attributes or mental ones, I am my father's daughter. You helped give me life but you weren't there to experience it. But I am finally able to close this chapter in my book and move on to be a more positive person. I hope and pray that you find your way one day but it is the time that I move on, sadly, without you.