The holiday season is all about family. Rekindling those old family relationships that you may have lost touch with during the busy year. For most, Christmas time is spent sitting around in a family-filled room reminiscing and laughing about the old days. For those of us who are part of a family relationship that is on the outs, this holiday time brings many thoughts of what could be.

For as long as I can remember you both have chose to not consider me one of your own. For some reason, I am not considered to be a part of you. I'm not considered to be, or treated as, your own flesh and blood. We don't make plans to see each other, you aren't around to celebrate the milestones I've reached in life, and when you see me in public you simply turn and walk the other way. I've spent most of my 20 years wondering why. Wondering how. The impact of not having a relationship with either of you seems to fall harder on me than you.

See, most people adore their grandparents. The home of your grandparents is supposed to be the place where you run to when your parents are getting just a little too annoying or you just need an extra hug. I was never given that option. I've been told that in the beginning of my life you both were around for a short time and actually treated me like your own, but then things changed. Due to circumstances that were out of my little, 3-year-old hands, you chose to ostracize me. You chose to miss birthdays, school dances, holidays, graduation, my first day of college, all of those things that a granddaughter needs family around for. And lets not forget to mention those school projects where we had to create a family tree. Yeah, those were always fun. The questions about what you guys liked, what you guys looked like, and all those other normal facts family members should know about each other was always met with three simple words: I don't know. On those days, your absence felt like a weight that was too strong to bear. These were the hard days for me. I wondered what I should have done differently to make you come around. I wondered what kind of things I could do to make you proud. I wondered how could I be better so that you would want to call me your granddaughter. No matter what I did, no matter how many times my name appeared in your paper, no matter how many thing I succeeded at you never called me yours.

This time last year, I finally decided to swallow whatever pride I had left and reach out to you both in hopes of starting the relationship that should have started years ago. I got my dad to reach out to you since he's the only one you will talk to. I asked him to tell you that I wanted a relationship and I was willing to do what it took to make that happen. I waited for a few days for my dad to call me back and tell me that my new life with you in it could begin. My hopes and day dreams about restoring a family was only met with one word: no. Even though I reached out and tried to repair a burnt down bridge, you said no. You said that you had no desire to take on your roles as grandparents. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I mean, I did the hard part. I made it to where you wouldn't be the ones running to me, but you still said no. Here is where I found my peace.

I realized that I had done all that I could do. I couldn't make you love me or consider me as one of your own. So, I came to terms with the fact that neither of you may ever make an appearance in my life. Even though you two decided that I wasn't worth carrying on a relationship with, my other set of grandparents thought I was absolutely to die for. I had a nanny and a papa that did everything they could possibly think of to make me feel loved. They said things to me like, "more love for us" or "they just don't know what they're missing." I always found those words cliché, until now. I do have more love to give to others and you guys don't know what you're missing out on. I am a loving, kindhearted, young woman whose going places in life. Places that you won't ever know. I don't write this letter with a cold heart, I actually write it with an open heart. I won't be reaching out to you in hopes of starting a relationship again, but if the day comes that you decide that not being a part of my life is not fun anymore, then I'll be here. Standing with my arms and my heart wide open. Until then just know that I've realized that my self worth has nothing to do with how you see me and I will keep living life with those who do consider me their own. I have a loving family who sees the good in me every single day and there's a spot in it for you both when you're ready. You know where to find me.

Sincerely,

The Girl You Decided Not to Love