To the man I once called the love of my life,
I'm sorry I couldn't keep my word. I tried my hardest to. But eventually I felt blood drip down my arm from holding on too hard, so I had to let go. I had to let go of your laugh and the way you smile and your jokes and everything else about you that I loved because it hurt too much. It was like watching someone drown and for a long time I had water in my lungs too, but then I had to let you sink. I had to let go to save myself from your darkness. Which may have been selfish, but I had to start thinking of myself.
I'm trying my hardest to forgive you for what you've done, but that's a lot easier said than done. You ravaged me of my values and morals and strength. You took everything from me and acted like it was nothing. I walked as a mule for so long, carrying both yours and my baggage. It wore me down to nothing - to just a mere ghost of myself. It broke me down to rock bottom and as I looked at myself I had to decide if being a version of myself was what I wanted for the rest of my life. I had to ask if I wanted to live in the negativity and darkness that shadowed your life. I had to ask if I wanted to save you but kill myself. And over the past 4 years, I had to look at what you'd given me - all the trials and heartbreak and loneliness and I had to say no. No more. In the moment I decided no more to you, I also decided no more pessimism, no more negativity. If I was going to leave you, I had to leave my old way of thinking too. I had to transform. I had to strive for happiness. I could no longer live in the devil's liar on earth. I had to become the woman I was always meant to be and that woman could never be with you.
So I am sorry, but not sorry enough. I'll never be too sorry for choosing myself over you because you gave me no other choice. I am trying my hardest to forgive you for all the time you wasted and spent, but your presence in my mind still haunts me with darkness. The only thing that I hope now is that you come to the same recollection I did. That you are able to shed your past and live a new, better life. Everyone deserves a chance, you've just got to make yours sometimes. There is beauty and lessons all around you - notice them and thrive among them. I hope you don't live your life in misery and you make decisions for your happiness. There will always be a part of me that misses you. Although you instilled darkness there was a light inside your eyes and smile that always kept me hoping- but that light just wasn't enough anymore. I pray you find the light because staying in the darkness will steal you from this earth. Goodbye and good luck.
-Sarah
