The first week of college... went way better than I expected. A part of me almost wishes that I could have experienced one freshman horror story, just for the sake of being able to say later on in my life to another young adult, "Yeah, I wish I didn't remember that; but you'll do better."
Every day turned out to be different than the one before. The threat of monotonous routine, as we became busy adjusting ourselves to our university lives, did not overpower the novelty of new experiences. There were new people, new jokes, new places—and slowly, I began to feel fear at the thought of a new me.
My roommate scrolled through Twitter, updating me with the day's latest Harambe memes once we were both settled in for the night. I commented over how I needed to create another account, even though I already had one, "because I need a new identity." Hearing the idea vocalized, no matter the lighthearted context, caused me to snooze off into sleep with a laugh but also made me consider my words all until the end of today.
The implications of finding a necessity to be someone new runs deep. It demanded a lot of effort to transform myself from a cynical, negative high school freshman into the friendly, outspoken high-school-senior I became. Four years; I needed to finally come close to being the type of person I wanted to be; one week, it seemed, to tear it all down and learn how to do it all over again from scratch.
Though the problem is that I still find myself wondering if Version 2.0 of me, compiled from the scraps of personality I worked hard to bring to the surface of my actions and words, is an honest portrayal of who I am. I have been recycling a self-developed me on the basis of who I needed to be back in high school. It's familiar to be kind. It's easy to not take myself too seriously. However, as I looked at the various kinds of people I have been meeting this past week, I cannot help but ask: Why do I feel pressure to shove out and showcase my bests, so that others can attribute value to my identity for me, or as a potential friend to them, or as a peer to learn from?
If anything, I don't think my first college breakdown will be from a failing grade on an assignment, being late to class, or tripping in front of someone cute. It'll be from having to distinguish the type of person I'd like to consciously mold myself into being versus the type of person I should naturally allow myself be.
Ironically, what comforts me is the realization that this existential freshman horror story that I'm having now is a lot like the one I had when I was a high school freshman. Relating my worries about my college identity like that gives me the opportunity to feel better for my future myself. That way, I am remembering; that way, I can make sure that I will do better. (Whatever "better" is, but hey, I've been gifted another good four years to expand on that and figure it out).
