It's not you, it's me.
It's not that I didn't want to, it's that I wasn't really able to.
It's known infamously as commitment issues. As in, I have actual problems with "the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled" also known as commitment, as defined ever-so-graciously by the wonderful Merriam-Webster Dictionary.
As in, the thought of being in something as intimate as sharing emotions to another level beyond physical is frightening, for lack of a better word.
When I decide to fall off the face off the Earth after months of talking to a guy, it's because I always get this feeling, or rather, feel like things were going serious too much in a way that I didn't like.
I don't think it's really fair to them nor is it fair to myself that I always let myself end up in this cycle of getting to know someone for months at a time and just because of a feeling, end up ghosting them.
I end up pushing people away and pushing away potential relationships every time because of this feeling I always get of being suffocated. Like the thought of settling down would cause me my freedom and would prevent me from experiencing life so freely.
But the thing is, it's not that people are disposable to me. It's not that at all. There isn't even really one specific reason underlying this issue but more like a plethora of things that kind of just bundled up to create the monster that is my issue with commitment.
By no means am I scared of commitment itself (or maybe I am) but I think I'm more frightened of losing myself so deeply into another person I no longer know who I am.
At the end of the day, I'm at a current point in my life where being in a committed relationship isn't necessarily something I want at the moment nor is it something I'm aspiring to have in the near future.
I am no Lara Jean nor do I want a Peter Kavinsky in my life nor is my life a relatable high school romantic comedy.
So to the all the boys I've never loved before, it's really as simple as (or as complicated as?) me having commitment issues. Sorry?