dating apps after breakup
Start writing a post

I Just Ended A Long-Term Relationship And Making A Tinder Profile Is The Last Thing On My Mind

Hooking up with a stranger will never help you get over heartbreak.

woman texting on cell phone

We've all heard at one point or another the classy old adage that goes: "To get over someone you have to get under someone else."

One of the first responses I received from a co-worker after I told them my three-year relationship had recently ended was "so when are you going to make a Tinder?" You can substitute Tinder for Bumble, eHarmony, OKCupid, whatever other site or app is poppin' these days (I'm a little behind on the current dating scene).

I was sort of appalled that she had suggested this so nonchalantly after I explained my situation. I was three weeks post-breakup, wounds still fresh and raw. We lived together for two years. And I was supposed to think about dating again? Like, dating complete strangers?

For a brief and terrifying instant that seemed straight out of a horror movie I pictured myself on my first Tinder date post-heartbreak: I'm waiting impatiently in a dimly lit cheap-ish Italian restaurant (not your first choice) waiting for a guy whose face I wasn't sure if I would recognize who is already 20 minutes late.

Once he arrives (he looks nothing like he does in his two pictures) he spends the date staring at his phone every couple of minutes and asking the waiter he recognizes from Eagle Scouts if he remembers him. I notice he isn't wearing deodorant when he reaches enthusiastically over the table for the salt without asking for it (it's within three inches of my left hand).

After they're done reminiscing he pays the bill (he rudely ignores my insistence on splitting it) he walks me to my car. He tells me he'll text me when he gets home with a twinge of "but I actually won't" in his tone. I speed away and halfheartedly spend the rest of the night refreshing my message inbox to no avail.

Personally, that's just not my style.

Casual hookups might be fun for some people, but they ultimately serve as cheap band-aids that fail to conceal (or heal) deep emotional turmoil and confusion.

When you break up with a long-term partner, you have to give yourself time to grieve them.

Not even just them, but the relationship as a whole. You must even grieve the illusion of them; all the expectations you had for your relationship, all the plans for the future. This illusion over time became your expected reality, and the death of that reality can be as severe and shocking as a physical death.

You have to feel the full sting of a break up in order to truly heal.

You must experience that deep pang of loneliness and anguish. You have to mourn the person, reflect on all you did together and what you didn't do that perhaps you should have. What you did right, what you did wrong and what issues you want to avoid in your future relationships.

Dating (even if it's strictly casual) before you have completed the grieving process is a recipe for disaster.

For starters, every date will remind you of your ex. You'll start comparing things about this new person to the things you used to love (or hate) about your previous partner. That horrifying first Tinder date I imagined earlier? Yeah, I would have been comparing him to my ex the entire time.

And is it really fair to agree on a date with someone new knowing that your heart and mind are still hung up on your past?

This might seem like an outlandish scenario for Tinder, but suspend your disbelief for a moment.

Imagine the next person you agree to meet from a dating app might have ended his or her previous relationship long ago. Maybe he or she is completely over it and is willing to give all he or she has to someone new and find someone to plan a future with.

If you're still thinking about your ex, whether it's because not enough time has passed or you just haven't allowed yourself to let go of a possibility of rekindling an old flame, you are holding this person back from finding someone with the same intentions for a serious relationship.

Ultimately, it is better to go through the process of getting through heartbreak without trying to lessen the blow.

Allowing yourself to feel the loneliness, the confusion and the pain of a breakup can lead to so many positive things down the line. You might learn you are much stronger than you ever had thought possible and that you are perfectly capable of being independent. You might discover new things about yourself during grieving that you never knew before.

And most importantly, going through a bad breakup with no rebounds will teach you to put yourself first. Maybe it will show you to fall in love with yourself before anyone else because one day, you're going to be the only one you've got.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Robert Bye on Unsplash

I live by New York City and I am so excited for all of the summer adventures.

Keep Reading... Show less

The invention of photography

The history of photography is the recount of inventions, scientific discoveries and technical improvements that allowed human beings to capture an image on a photosensitive surface for the first time, using light and certain chemical elements that react with it.


The history of photography is the recount of inventions, scientific discoveries and technical improvements that allowed human beings to capture an image on a photosensitive surface for the first time, using light and certain chemical elements that react with it.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

Exposing Kids To Nature Is The Best Way To Get Their Creative Juices Flowing

Constantly introducing young children to the magical works of nature will further increase the willingness to engage in playful activities as well as broaden their interactions with their peers


Whenever you are feeling low and anxious, just simply GO OUTSIDE and embrace nature! According to a new research study published in Frontiers in Psychology, being connected to nature and physically touching animals and flowers enable children to be happier and altruistic in nature. Not only does nature exert a bountiful force on adults, but it also serves as a therapeutic antidote to children, especially during their developmental years.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

5 Simple Ways To Give Yourself Grace, Especially When Life Gets Hard

Grace begins with a simple awareness of who we are and who we are becoming.

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

If there's one thing I'm absolutely terrible at, it's giving myself grace. I'm easily my own worst critic in almost everything that I do. I'm a raging perfectionist, and I have unrealistic expectations for myself at times. I can remember simple errors I made years ago, and I still hold on to them. The biggest thing I'm trying to work on is giving myself grace. I've realized that when I don't give myself grace, I miss out on being human. Even more so, I've realized that in order to give grace to others, I need to learn how to give grace to myself, too. So often, we let perfection dominate our lives without even realizing it. I've decided to change that in my own life, and I hope you'll consider doing that, too. Grace begins with a simple awareness of who we are and who we're becoming. As you read through these five affirmations and ways to give yourself grace, I hope you'll take them in. Read them. Write them down. Think about them. Most of all, I hope you'll use them to encourage yourself and realize that you are never alone and you always have the power to change your story.

Keep Reading... Show less

Breaking Down The Beginning, Middle, And End of Netflix's Newest 'To All The Boys' Movie

Noah Centineo and Lana Condor are back with the third and final installment of the "To All The Boys I've Loved Before" series


Were all teenagers and twenty-somethings bingeing the latest "To All The Boys: Always and Forever" last night with all of their friends on their basement TV? Nope? Just me? Oh, how I doubt that.

I have been excited for this movie ever since I saw the NYC skyline in the trailer that was released earlier this year. I'm a sucker for any movie or TV show that takes place in the Big Apple.

Keep Reading... Show less

4 Ways To Own Your Story, Because Every Bit Of It Is Worth Celebrating

I hope that you don't let your current chapter stop you from pursuing the rest of your story.

Photo by Manny Moreno on Unsplash

Every single one of us has a story.

I don't say that to be cliché. I don't say that to give you a false sense of encouragement. I say that to be honest. I say that to be real.

Keep Reading... Show less
Politics and Activism

How Young Feminists Can Understand And Subvert The Internalized Male Gaze

Women's self-commodification, applied through oppression and permission, is an elusive yet sexist characteristic of a laissez-faire society, where women solely exist to be consumed. (P.S. justice for Megan Fox)

Paramount Pictures

Within various theories of social science and visual media, academics present the male gaze as a nebulous idea during their headache-inducing meta-discussions. However, the internalized male gaze is a reality, which is present to most people who identify as women. As we mature, we experience realizations of the perpetual male gaze.

Keep Reading... Show less

It's Important To Remind Yourself To Be Open-Minded And Embrace All Life Has To Offer

Why should you be open-minded when it is so easy to be close-minded?


Open-mindedness. It is something we all need a reminder of some days. Whether it's in regards to politics, religion, everyday life, or rarities in life, it is crucial to be open-minded. I want to encourage everyone to look at something with an unbiased and unfazed point of view. I oftentimes struggle with this myself.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments