As we’re heading into summer, I feel that it’s necessary to wish spring good riddance. The months of March, April, and May quite frankly, suck. There. I said it. If you're a flower child and are offended by my opinion, you may want to click off of this article. Now, I don’t consider myself a pessimist or a cynic, but I need something to write about and who doesn’t love to complain now and again? So, as I sit here thinking about summer approaching, I can say that I’m more thrilled about spring ending than anything else happening in my life right now. This is an open letter to the season I hate the most. Here’s a short list of reasons why I hate spring:
1. School can’t be over soon enough.
Spring semester drags on like nothing else. If you’re anything like me, school is not exactly your “thing.” That being said, fall semester is tolerable. It’s broken up by fall and Thanksgiving break. School is still new and hasn’t quite bored you to death. However, the semester following Christmas break is like being on a treadmill. It turns into a seemingly never-ending cycle of one project after another. “I’m going to go to bed at a decent time tomorrow night,” I whisper to myself again and again as I struggle to finish an assignment at 3 a.m. while eating my third Insomnia cookie. Each time I lie. I always have someone else to blame of course. Do my professors not realize that I don’t have time for these assignments? I have important things to do like wallowing in self-pity between episodes of Gilmore Girls. How am I supposed to have time to type a paper when my friends want to go to Skyline at 1 a.m.? Priorities, people. Priorities.
2. Pollination is a scam.
Every God-fearing, red-blooded American knows that Bee Movie is arguably the most important film in cinematic history. However, this propaganda piece promotes the idea that pollination is a good thing. This is the real fake news. I understand that pollination gives us flowers and plants and food, but at what cost? I’m tired of being accused of being high when I show up to work. Even worse, I’m accused of having pink-eye. “Stay away from me!” my classmates scream as I try to explain to them that I DO NOT have pink-eye. Do I look like someone who doesn’t wash their hands after using the restroom? No, I’m not stoned, nor do I have pink-eye. I’m simply a victim of pollination. No amount of Claritin D can undo the damage done to my reputation by seasonal allergies.
3. The Weather.
I love rain. I love thunderstorms. However, do you know what I don’t love? Walking to class in those things. Don’t give me that “life-is-about-learning-to-dance-in-the-rain” crap. I don’t take advice from $6 picture frames at Hobby Lobby. Have you ever sat in a freezing classroom and tried to focus as you lose feeling in your toes? This spring in Cincinnati, it didn’t just rain. It monsooned. It hailed. I’ve never heard thunder so violent. I woke up thinking I was about to witness the second coming of Christ. The rain isn’t the worst of the weather though, but it is in fact the humidity that follows.
4. I hate being sweaty.
Spring humidity is getting its own number on the list because of how much I hate it. The humidity that follows the rain is the kind that makes you sweaty from simply standing outside. I never again want to have to answer the question, “how are you?” by saying “sticky and moist.” (You should see the looks I get.) If you live in Cincinnati, you know that this city begins turning into a giant jock-strap around this time of year. It’s foul.
5. Spring Break is a lie.
Spring Break is nothing like you see in the movies. I did not spend my spring break doing Jell-O shots on the beach while tanning my fit bod and playing sand volleyball. My spring break was spent working at my job after spending the morning in self-loathing at my pale dad-bod in the shower. I know. I could’ve planned a fun trip, but for that, I need money. This is the reason that I decided to stay here and save my money so I can travel during a more desirable time of year.
As we inch closer to the end of spring, I’ve reached the end of my rant. Summer is nearly here and I’m thrilled to be done with school, allergies, and the other hellish consequences of spring. So to spring I say, good riddance. Until next year… from a sneezy, wheezy, college student who is tired of being covered in snot.
