Please don’t skip this paragraph. I’ve been in your shoes before, Mr./Ms./Mrs. Reader. You don’t care about this introduction any more than a butterfly cares about how to properly construct a wooden rocking chair. Every single introduction that I’ve read to a list-based article is a complete waste of time full of useless context and unnecessary connections to pieces of pop culture… except for this one. You see, I’m trying to identify with you, the audience. I care about what you think. This isn’t a blog, and it definitely isn’t a journal, so don’t even think about asking me who the cutest Iowa-born celebrity is, because I will definitely not say that it’s Donna Reed. This is an Odyssey article, designed for connecting academics and sharing their experiences and perspectives for the future leaders of our world. Such an undertaking requires that authors have a sense of who their audience is, and why they should care about the topic being discussed. With that in mind, here are three things I promise to do as I carry out this position of authorship for Odyssey to ensure that you, the audience, will understand that I have you in mind.
1. I promise to make as many puns as possible.
Judging by this line graph below, it’s a statement of science that people love puns, but not as much as they love videos of baby pandas. Since there are only a select amount of pandas in the world, I’ll do what I can with what’s available, and just stick with puns. In the meantime, here’s a panda video. Please enjoy, but also know that these creatures couldn’t care less about you.
Hey, but seriously, puns are great for humor and time efficiency. Why would I say “I know what you mean”, when I could simply say “Nacho mean.” I saved at least an entire second of clumsy syllable juggling, which is perfect when you're a smidge on the awkward side. Also, I understand that puns aren’t comedic gold, but they have a necessary function in raising the overall atmosphere of conversations. Life’s too short to not punder how to incorporate more optimism through humor in your voice.
2. I promise to write concisely.
Here’s the thing: it’s the summer and writing papers are like plucking eyebrows. Is it necessary? Sure. Does it look nice when it’s done? Well, sort of. Does it leave little hairs all over your sink? Every time. Does it require tweezers? There’s no other way.
So I guess it’s nothing like plucking your eyebrows... but the point of the matter is this: writing is a long process and readers get bored easily. Let’s think win-win here: if I don’t write long articles, two things will happen. 1) I don’t have to write long articles, and 2) you don’t have to read long articles. Therefore, I will fulfill my duty as an author and not write long articles (if I can help it). At the risk of becoming hypocritical, I’ll stop right there and move onto my final promise.
3. I promise to never use list-based articles. Except for sometimes.
List-based articles are the worst. They draw you in like the smell of a deep-fat-fried Twinkie on a stick in the middle of August at the Iowa state fair, and they disappoint you more than other peoples’ reactions to your Secret Santa gift for them. With that in mind, I promise to not waste your time with long list-based articles full of ads. Instead, I’ll just provide you with short list-based articles full of ads (#’MERICA).
Thank you for taking the time to read this article. Please tune your radios in weekly to the Odyssey to both challenge and entertain you into viewing the world differently!
