This past summer, I spent my days rebelling against every aspect of my life (I used the excuse that I was celebratory over finally becoming an adult, even though I was acting like anything but). I was angry with the world for how it had treated me thus far in my eighteen years of life, and I no longer wished to tolerate it.
I decided that if the world was going to make me feel like there was no possibility of a Heaven, I was going to prove there was a Hell.
In return, I did everything I wasn’t supposed to, and ignored every family member I shouldn’t have. I knew I was disappointing most, and I didn’t need to be reminded of it. The only thing that mattered was myself and the entirety of the flourishing future I had before me--or so I thought.
The spiraling of madness and mayhem continued to manifest until one fateful summer day when I finally visited my mother after avoiding her for months. She looked well, but I could tell she was anxious about something by the way she gripped the arms of her chair and the stirring stare she held with my eyes. My wonders were answered when my mother managed to sputter from her paled lips…
“You’re going to be a big sister.”
Instantly my heart stopped, and I could feel myself crash back on the ground after feeling like I could fly for weeks.
At forty years old, she was just as shocked as me.
I’ve heard those words of announcement twice prior but never once did I ever imagine I’d hear it once more.
But wow, am I so thankful I did.
As much as I hate to admit it, you have turned me soft and compassionate, a stark contrast to the bitterness I shivered from before. The seething anger I once had towards everything has simmered to a satisfaction, because how could I ever hate the same world that gave me you?
While I didn’t get the chance to grow up with you, I instead get to support your growth and guide you to become the kind-hearted young man I know you’ll be one day. The best part? I have front-row seats that I don’t plan on trading for the world.
Although you can’t talk or do much but wiggle and smile little guy, you have taught me more things about life and love than anyone else.
You are the reason I smile, after years of only a frown.
You are the reason I hug my mom, after years of only “hello.”
You are the reason I feel peace, after years of only a war.
But most importantly, you are the reason that I will never give up no matter how ugly my world becomes, for I know I’ll forever have a sweet little boy to remind me of its beauty.