It's getting late. Maybe you got tired too quickly after a night out and decided to call it quits. Maybe you got all ready and your plans never panned out, so now you're just sitting around wallowing in your lameness. Or maybe you just need something to go with your late-night Netflix binge. Some food binging, perhaps. And then the thought creeps in. What if you ordered a pizza...
1. You do not need this right now.
You need a lot of things in your life. Money. Clean laundry. A plan. But you do not need a pizza.
2. But what if you do need a pizza?
What if that's the only thing standing between you and starvation? You ate an early dinner. And you skipped breakfast. Maybe you can think of this as tomorrow's early breakfast. It is technically tomorrow.
3. But you just decided the other day when your mirror was being especially unkind that you were going to try to be healthy!
You're not an expert, but you're pretty sure healthy people do not order pizzas at 1 a.m.
4. Maybe you could just get a lot of vegetables on it?
Except you don't really like vegetables...there's no point in ruining a perfectly good pizza with vegetables. You can just get cheese. But that's kind of boring. What about some bacon? Bacon is a healthy fat. Yeah, that sounds like a thing.
5. No. Be strong!
You can do this! You are stronger than the pizza! Say it with me. Stronger than the pizza. Stronger than the pizza.
6. That's a lie, and you know it.
Why should you want to be stronger than the pizza? Pizza's always been good to you. You're old pals. And now is certainly not a time to desert it. Not when it could need you!
7. What if you just went to the website?
You can see if they have any coupons. If it's cheap, you might as well. In fact, it would be a crime not to.
8. Only $9.99 for a large two topping pizza!
What a steal! OK, now you have to. You're doing it. It's happening.
9. Can bacon be both the toppings?
10. Why isn't this website working?
You told it your address already, dammit! Why must fate/Domino's be so cruel?
11. Maybe this is a sign.
Maybe the universe is trying to tell you not to order a pizza.
12. No, that doesn't sound right.
You probably just have to want it more.
13. You could call.
Funny how that didn't occur to you. That would probably mean you'd have to talk to a human person though. And there is nothing, in this day and age, worse than talking to a human person on the phone.
14. Maybe just try it one more time.
Maybe this will be the time. Just believe in it. Believe in the pizza.
15. Yes! Success!
You have triumphed! The pizza was stronger, thank God.
16. Now you're gonna have to go all the way downstairs to get it.
Ugh. And you'll definitely have to talk to a human person when they deliver it to you. That's gonna suck. They should invent pizza-delivering robots.
17. And this means you have to put a bra on, doesn't it?
You wouldn't have to put a bra on for the pizza-delivering robot.
18. This might have been a big mistake.
A big, fat mistake. And a waste of money. Stop being such a fat waste of money.
19. *Gasp* The pizza is here.
Go! Go! Go! This is not a drill!
20. You probably tipped her too much.
You always tip too much. She didn't even leave the car. In your eagerness, you came to her. You probably frightened her a little bit with that crazed, excited look in your eye. Maybe she did deserve that tip.
21. This is the best decision you've ever made.
You will never make as good of a decision as this. Unless it's ordering more pizza.
22. You probably don't need a fourth piece.
Scratch the probably. You definitely don't need a fourth piece.
23. OK but you really don't need a fifth piece.
You really definitely don't need a fifth piece.
24. Oh well.
The whole thing wasn't going to fit in your fridge anyway. No regrets.
25. Maybe some regrets.
Or a lot of regrets. You are gross. You are a gross potato. Stop being a potato and go run a mile or five. Or eat another piece of pizza. Either way.
