"Hi, remember me? Finals? That awful week (or two) of your semester when you realize how little you actually know, how much time you've wasted all year, and how crazy sleep deprivation makes you?! That's right, after a long five-month hiatus, I'm back by not-so-popular demand; preparing to infiltrate your brain, disrupt your usual activities, and fill your days with chaos and panic."

"But if it means anything to you at all, you're not alone. I don't discriminate; there's no fun in that. I like to pick on everyone; boys and girls, freshmen and seniors, accounting majors and comm majors. It's very kind of me, don't you think?"

...But I don't think that's kind. And I don't think that's fun.

In fact, during finals week, I'm a little preoccupied trying to stay afloat to think about much of anything besides the following...

1. Is it too late to drop this class?

Withdraw from class or withdraw from sanity? Quite the toss-up.

2. You mean I can't bring full meals into the lib? But how will I eat?

Does the term "BRAIN FOOD" mean nothing to you??

3. Thank HEAVEN for free printing.

Insert prayer emoji here.

4. Will sell soul for mozzarella sticks.

After hours of studying and writing, the heart wants what the heart wants.

5. Now would be a good time to be an emotionally and mentally stable human.

If I didn't have it together at the beginning of the semester, and I never got it together during the semester, then that leaves me in a great big pile of sh!t that I will just never get together... Solid.

6. I wonder what sleep feels like?

Remember when your head didn't pound at all hours of the day?

7. You mean I'm expected to attend class too??

I did not realize you had to be superhuman to make it through college... duly noted.

8. If I write this paper at a rate of 2 sentences for every 23 minutes, with breaks in between each sentence for social media, I should be able to finish...

...within the next 48 hours.

9. Can someone please turn off the sun?! I'm trying to be productive here.

Nice weather is NOT HELPING.

10. Who do I have to bribe to be exempt from every group project forevermore?

Seriously. Not a joke. Please help.

11. Will anyone notice if I just take a nap right here...

... in the laundry room/gym/library/cafeteria/grass/chair/etc.

12. I wonder which textbook will make for the comfiest pillow.

Or maybe I should go for the laptop?

13. If I stare at my computer long enough, maybe the words will just magically write themselves.

Or maybe not.

Whatever. Here goes nothing.