As a social work major, I frequently find myself talking about empathy, both in school and in the context of my personal relationships. Despite the exposure i've had to the idea, I've found that when it comes to the application, I don't know what it means to be truly empathetic.
Thinking about empathy often brings up images of listening and comforting, as well as kind words and good wishes; yet, while these are all integral pieces of practicing empathy, these are often an incomplete representation of what it actually entails. A woman to know on the subject of empathy is Brene Brown, a social work researcher who has done incredible work in exploring empathy and vulnerability.
She speaks empirically about the nature of empathy, and has given numerous TED talks and written many books on her research findings. Many of the thoughts in this post come from the work that she's done with this idea.
To begin simply with a definition, Merriam-Webster defines empathy as "the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another." There are many pieces to this to be broken down and addressed, as empathy is a complex process that involves an incredible amount of patience and vulnerability.
The first point of emphasis with this definition is that empathy is an action. Brene Brown often emphasizes that empathy is not just a feeling, but rather a choice. It is choosing to step outside of yourself, your thoughts, your beliefs, and your personal challenges to understand the experience of the other person.
It is choosing to take on the sadness, the hurt, the pain, and even the joy that is felt in order to be there with the other person. This is an incredibly vulnerable and selfless act we devote ourselves to as we choose to step into empathy.
This definition also puts an emphasis on understanding, being aware of, and being sensitive to someone else. Empathy is listening, asking questions, and "tuning into" what someone else is experiencing. This involves listening intently and focusing your mind on the other person, allowing them to speak about their own experience without interjecting your own assumptions.
It also means being sensitive, and recognizing that their feelings are incredibly real to them, despite how silly or irrational the problem could seem. Having an awareness of the feelings of another is ultimately being aware of your own inner workings; it is knowing when you can relate, but also when you cannot, and being honest about this. An honest admittance of where we stand can also be a powerful tool of empathy.
The final step of empathy is perhaps the most important. According to Brene Brown, it is the piece that involves the most courage and vulnerability. The final piece of the definition says that empathy is vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.
Empathy is literally taking a moment to become someone else, to join them in their feeling. It is finding that feeling within your own experience, then using that as a bridge to understanding the experience of the other person.
This necessitates an active avoidance of comparing someone's situation to your own solely for the purpose of deciding whether their feelings are legitimate. We cannot play the "my life is harder than yours" game and still claim to be practicing empathy. We are all complex beings, with very complex and real emotions living inside of us. If we come to engage with this complexity, we will have created a sanctuary of mutual vulnerability and connection.
Empathy is incredibly important in forming genuine, personal relationships, as well as in understanding the behaviors and motivations of those we have not come to know. Empathy is the first step to compassion: it is what opens your heart up to wanting to create a world that is better for everyone.
It is a way for us to escape ourselves through the endless beauty in human complexity. While it is often easy for us to feel alone in our own complexity, empathy reminds us that we are ultimately more alike than we are different.
