Another night wasted.
That's, at least, how it feels. The more nights I spend in this room, the more time I can't help but feel like I'm wasting — just allowing to rot and fall off of the tree of my life.
Yes, everyone technically should be staying at home, staying in and alone as much as possible, but you know what? Being alone is draining. Especially when it's starting to become expected of you from some, and causes you to be chastised by others. The thing is though, being around people is draining too. I've discovered that I don't think I have a very long social battery.
I see friends and couples going out, having fun, making the best of the world despite how truly insane it is, and how different the world around us has become in just a matter of months. But, when it's time, certain people can turn their brains off and focus on nothing but a good time.
I am not one of those people. I wish I were.
Why can't I turn off all the depressing, anxiety-inducing, negative, horrific, and mean thoughts that my brain comes up with?
Why can't I talk without overthinking or feeling this intense pressure to do and say all the right things? Why can't I be a normal 21-year-old guy, if there is such a thing?
Why is it, that when I go out for a good time with friends, I feel this subconsciously uncomfortable and yearning to be back in my room — alone, in my own space? But, when I am alone in my own space, I'm overwhelmed with a sense of hopelessness, loneliness, and dread?
Why do I yearn and hate to be alone?
Sometimes I see it all going by. Social media showing me what I'm missing and reminding me of the things I've already missed — taunting me. Is it the people themselves taunting me? No. Is it the unfeeling algorithm that Instagram and others have that determine what you see? Also, likely no. So that only leaves one potential suspect left. Me.
"People never post the bad times" is what you always hear. But, it sure seems like certain people are having a lot of good times to post about. The same people, over and over. And I'm not talking about celebrities who have the power to manipulate your vision of them the way regular people can't, I'm talking about people just like me.
Does that mean they're better than me? What have they done right that I've messed up? Why do they have great times out of life and a positive outlook, while I sit here with the hand I got dealt?
I ask these questions not to complain, or whine, or garner pity, but because I ask myself these questions almost daily. Perhaps, you do too. People have these kinds of thoughts, and I'm tired of convincing myself that they don't, or that it's annoying to talk/hear about them.
I need to put these somewhere. Something has to be made from or done with what comes from my brain and from yours if you feel like I do. Otherwise...what's it all for?