I can’t relate to you all of what I have experienced and still do sometimes, but I can try. So, make it of what you will--sadness, a call for help, some type of way of trying to get attention. But, honestly, I’ll be glad to just get it off my chest after holding it all in for years.
They’re pretty stone cold--the pills. Even though they are hard and cold, they instantly give me a boost of warmth once I feel them travel down my throat. It’s a temporary feeling--the warmth.
It’s alright; I’m used to temporary feelings.
I’m sorry, did you say something? I blacked out. Don’t worry. I tend to black out sometimes. I could be sitting during a lecture and just black out for a while. It could be for a minute or for an hour. I’m not daydreaming, trust me, I’m too far from being able to daydream. I just shut down and you know, black out. It’s like I try to imagine myself not existing. Besides, what is there to daydream of? Daydreaming is just your brain imagining situations and scenarios that will never happen.
I can’t breathe.
Oh, but I can. It’s a natural action that is embedded into our brains. It is our body’s automatic way of keeping us alive. But, sometimes, it feels like I can’t breathe. It sometimes feels like I can’t grasp the air around me. It feels like I’m drowning in my own sorrows. It’s like I’m swimming around in an ocean filled with misery and death and I’m struggling to swim. To survive. But, there’s also my nightmares swimming around me, taunting me. Never mind the nightmares though. I’m just tired of being lonely. Struggling to survive in an ocean like that can be a lonely experience.
You know, maybe I should change the background of my laptop and phone before I die. What would be a good parting message? Should I change it to the colors I’ve always adored? Or maybe the loved ones who tried to keep me afloat throughout these years?
Oh, never mind, I’m dying anyway.
What’s that? You want to see me? For what reason? You’re not someone I’m close with--or know in particular. I have close friends that I love dearly, but deep down, I’ve never really felt close with anyone. I’ve only grown close to the space and smoke that lingers around me. Look, it’s alright. You don’t have to come see me. It’s fine. I would not want to see me either. Thank you for trying to make me happy.
But, I do not want false hope.
Just don’t hold yourself responsible for what I do to myself. I know you have tried your best. Don’t feel guilty because you felt like you could’ve done better. We become what we behold. You’ll just become guilty and eventually, get to the same place of where I once was. I’m getting better, trust me. The guilt, sadness, numbness--it’s like it’s not there anymore.
But, somewhere in the back of my mind, it’s still there.
How far would you go to save yourself? What line is there to cross to believe that life is worth living? I’ve felt like I was close to crossing that line multiple times, but I shouldn’t dream too far now. You know, life is worth living, even if those words seem empty, it is. There are people who will always care, even if seems like you’re in the darkest, most isolated places.
Life is precious, even if you’ve been living in loneliness and numbness for years.
